TALKING TO ROBOTS

I didn't ask to be born, but I'm glad I was. So it's disconcerting and of the deepest existential angst to realize that as each day passes, I will be obliged to talk to more and more computerized telephone robots

Phoning UPS, airline agencies, Directory Assistance or any number of companies, one's throat is instantly caught in the chains of larynx automation. And pity anyone who doesn't have the impeccable pronunciation of a star newscaster. For a simple slip of tongue or rough graze of an aspirate can lead into the dark forest of double talk and obfuscation..

This is especially true of the Directory Assistant robot -- a take-charge Siren who never lets you forget you are so much scum beneath her feet. For example, let's say you state in normal conversational tones you want the Carnegie Institute. Robot says, "I didn't get that. What listing?" You repeat. Robot says, "Car Institute?" You say no. Robot says,"I'm not understading you. What listing?" You repeat extra carefully, "The Carnegie Institute." Robot comes back with, "Eggi intooth?"  "No!" you thunder. Robot impatiently replies, "I'm sorry. I didn't get that. What listing?" And on and on goes this happy date.

What is perhaps most taxing are the companies that force you to listen to their always "new menus," when a simple question and answer would suffice if you were talking with a live person. One is soon reduced to a robot oneself, or at least a sub-human punching buttons to communicate on a very elemntary level. 

Although the core of a robot's voice is an actual human's, all the life blood has been sucked out of it without leaving even a semblance of what was once a thinking, feeling human being. The normal nuances and registers have been brutally pulverized in the interests of technology's wires and steel and some CEO's  dream of being cost efficient.

It probably all started with The Time of Day recording--a one-way easy-listening street that has served and still serves its purpose. One would not expect to have some live human sitting by the phone and a big clock 24 hours of the day to answer someone's burning question, "What time is it?" But beyond that purpose there is  simply no justification for a robot to tackle the myriad subtleties and exigencies that are part of one's daily business transactions.

Of course one can always hang up or sometimes punch O to try to explain yourself to a real live operator whose often growing indifference causes one to suspect she has taken lessons from her programmed sister. But this is slightly better than trying to make sense again with that sister and maybe having to rant and rave, curse and swear all to no avail. For who or what is one cursing? A voice dead to all imprecations!

Talking to robots is "being" versus "nothingness" fine tuned to the very highest degree.