FICTIONAL BIO:â„¢

FICTIONAL BIO:™

A written account (that incorporates some self directed hyperbole) of this veritable stranger now appears before your screen. Soon after reading this message, the neighbors might discern a blood curdling series of (hyena-like) shrieking screams. 

No worry. 

That would just be the mating call of the hairy Harris mama bear.

Ready! Set! Click! 

A scary reflection greets me whenever I summon up enough steely courage to take a sneak peek into the mirror. Before the spider lines start to appear across the shiny surface and subsequent cracks and fissures dissolve the glassy surface these deux hazel colored, myopic bespectacled eyes quickly absorb a most frightful countenance and visage.

That near legendary and trademark feature of longish, wavy and brown straggly hair seems to fill the entire view. 

Hidden among that avant garde rhapsodic bohemian, Cro-Magnon, Neolithic, non-every-man style of un-styled locks (interspersed with silver follicles indicative of acquired worry per fighting off that garden variety prehistoric creature) can be discerned a brutish, nasty and short proto-human with a high forehead, which allows, enables and provides more skin surface to bang against the wall when frustrated.

My somewhat outsize ears and longish neck (I swear exist, which contrary to popular myth never seen by living persons) support this egg shaped (fried or scrambled some might argue) head.

A mostly flat and hairless chest attests to a regular regimen of light (self-concocted) chest-pounding routine! Exercise (as well as meditation) a vital part of my daily program to deal with the ordinary stresses of primitive existence! Raw coffee beans happens to be the sole vice, which exotic brews provide that helpful jump-start.

I sometimes even chump on the cup to keep these teeth sharp.

Now to that locale known as the rump! Although the unseen forces of biology and genetics dealt me an itsy bitsy, tiny tushy (which serves as the but for fellow Apes to taunt and tease) such anatomical feature offers little value as the worthiness of sexual prowess. This palm pilot sized gluteus Maximus offers one benefit.
 
Ease to squeeze into tight spaces without getting stuck! This tiny tushy accompanied by a vestigial and teeny-weensy Weiner schnitzel of a phallus, which undersized cock a doodle do bulges into an erectile state within shooting distance of that coveted warm, wet and wooly private world property of each and every woman.

A pair of skinny (flamingo like) legs (covered in a adequate hair) now completes this general character sketch.

Does this suffice? After attempting to envision some vague essential apparition or near facsimile of what barely passes muster as a Caucasian male, I wonder if you happen to be less or more favorably disposed toward some healthy interaction of body, mind and spirit.
 
If not yourself, I wonder if you know if any local cave woman? Maybe great ape as yourself to make grunting noises with me?
 
Now if you would politely excuse me, I MUST scavenge for some berries, exotic tree bark or that stray small and wild game so me gremlins will not be a cannibal for eat me.

 okay?