In twenty-one years

There's a girl

There’s a girl

She means the world to me

Each day I know we’re together

Is another day I know I can live on

My trials and tribulations have exceeded their limits

I don’t want easy

I want to live how I want

I want to feel free from those chains that have locked on

At 198

The chains grew strong and thick

But as they grew

My strength over passed the material objects

I have cracked these weights

Of steel

And live on

The way I please

With my girl by my side

Who I love and need

In twenty-one years

In twenty one years I’ve learned many things

Contradictions, lies, truth, criticism, hatred, love, hypocritiscm, self-hurt…

As a young child I didn’t know love

With my biological parents

I was abused, neglected, and left to raise my self

My foster mother was 

Sweet, caring, loving, generous, and genuine

My foster mother adopted me

As the years passed she changed

Critical, intense, disrespectful, hurtful, angry, controlling, overbearing, and ill

My adopted sister in the beginning was

Sweet, innocent, joyful, loving, and caring

As the years passed she changed

Homicidal, bipolar, naive, suicidal, regretful, hopeful but on edge

I’ve changed to

I hide my emotions inside

As a child I was

Sweet, genuine, loving, unsure, protective, alone

Now

I’ve fallen apart

Anxiety

Sometimes anxiety takes over my mind

My classes feel like roller coasters of questions in my mind

I run through what I need to do

Now

Tomorrow

And what I did in the past

Decisions, words, events

Anything and everything

My planner is so unorganized

Lists upon lists

I wish I could think one thing at a time

One day at a time

Or one year at a time

It is not fun in my head

On a daily basis I repeat these thoughts

I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself

It starts when I wake up in the morning

My head swarms 

When I lift my head off my pillow