33300
3
At around the ripe age of 9
I was forced to catapult into an adult
Living a life filled with anger, hatred and insults
Around age 15 up until now is the man ‘you know’
I guess I am the never ending - end result
And now I turn to God
In whom I consult
It’s kind of funny to have gone through what I have
Burned in the fire nearly turned myself into ash
My own brain I would sincerely coherently bash
Studied everything from philosophy to world history
To agricultural economics to geophysics
Kind of messed with metaphysics too
Studied the Kabbalah and Islam to be well rounded
At a nice teenage age many minds I confounded
Many hearts and thoughts of hundreds I had astounded
I never drank, never smoked an ounce or had any nicotine
I was too interested in being so different
That I sucked on a nectarine
But caffeine became ‘my drug’ of choice
It was the only thing I ever did wrong
Now I live with internal static noise
At around 21 years of age
I sunk into a stage of rage
Felt my mind cluttered with too much information
That I grew out of that stage
But then came the next phase
I would gamble by myself and with myself
And forced myself to do things
That I knew not many others would do
But my own mind my spirit would gnaw & chew
And now today being many personalities in one
I sometimes don’t really know what to do
I used to think I was of the chosen few
Made up my own rules including my own curfew
Worked out daily until I ripped up my own sinews
Went to church to beg & plead to God
To make me better than I was in every way
I would bend so hard against the pews
That I would miss the nightly news
And as I grew in age so did my mind
At least 50 yrs separated the two
One body but multi-minded
I lost several of my thoughts
I could no longer find it
I felt so blinded
I worked hard to be unique
But I became more of an estranged mystique
And people would look down on who I was and give angered critique
And so I became more isolated and slowly withdrew
And I nearly killed myself several times
I was going out of my mind
At some point my mind became grotesque & extremely twisted
I was no longer spiritually convicted
I felt as if God threw me out and had me evicted
Too many simple things of life
I was not allowed to have
I felt so pushed away and restricted
Many good times
I missed it
I took the bottle cap and I would just twist it
Tried to ignore insecurities of emotions
I would just try to dismiss it
Many hearts were broken and I would try to fix it
I knew that I grew to have a God complex
I complicated my own life
It was turned upside down
I began to drown
In the misery of my own past history
The knowledge of having no parental security
Were hidden deep in my personality
I studied myself with the greatest of scrutiny
I would was then coerced
To try to over throw my own thoughts and have a mutiny
But I am just little puny me
Were the voices what were screaming at me!
My head was boggled down and I was forced to frown
And every time I would look up
Circumstances made me once again look back down
Seriously
I became an obsessive compulsive
Who would think and do everything so meticulously
Highly done ridiculously
I switched up my habits to become a man that spoke gregariously
But the other side of me wanted to be known nefariously
And I was highly aware of it see!
And all the pain I suffered and have endured
I thought I so well had them suppressed in my chest
But over the years they grew to become concave
Made me wonder what’s next
The heart in my chest
Would then palpitate
For every move I would potentially make
I would instantly hesitate
My own self I was forced to be pessimistic
And not be so easy to communicate or elevate
Because to try to discuss the pain of my anger, hatred & lust
What not necessarily a must
I had already grown to have so much distrust
For my life story is way too complicated
Just know there was abuse on every level
That made me want to take my life away
That’s how much I did grow to hate it
But somewhere at some point
I was reinstated
Many persons and versions of me live inside of me
Some like to be hateful and cursing
While the majority portion of me
May be slightly out of proportion
Looking at like with a messed up distortion
But for me to have a personality abortion
Would highly disrupt this mental contortion
So I must now coexist with the other versions of me living inside of me
Never hiding but underlining
Some are complaining and whining
While others take moments to be wining & dining
Sit back while they’re reclining
This is the cursed gift of grammar
I speak like a sledge hammer
Although one version of me may stutter or stammer
There’s always another side of me that’s filled with such a clamor
And yet a slight mixed side is all about the glamor
I am feeling so confused on what to do
Don’t know what to do with me, him or you
We all exists to persist and to fight
We all struggle together in the middle of the night
And as angels help me to conquer my plight
I am still a demon coexisting with an angel that stuck in the light
I may bleed and feel pain
But plain and simple I have more loss than any gain
I have less pleasure than the amount and level of strain
I reach out to touch
Even though with my own self I may be out of touch
I’m in such a damn rush
To take a moment to hush
To live a better life that is serene and so plush
But God continues to command me my orders
As He speaks from the burning bush
Sometimes I wonder if the devil even has to fight me
When I am still fighting myself daily and nightly
It’s a little bit frightening
I’m such a horrendous sight to see
Cool personality that changes at the drop of a dime
I know my crime
And that’s probably why I will never reach my prime
But I will remain dutiful & hopeful
Rather than hopeless
Because to be hopeless will make me smote this
And if I take the next step and myself I do smite
I will make sure that I do it with all of my might
And guarantee that I will not see yet another night
SkTzO
