Dark December

But it Feels Like ...

Cutting loss,

Counting costs,

Seeing your wounds are sovering even if you will never see mine.

For everything I dislike about you there are ten more I love.

Creating boundaries feels like watching you give up on yourself. 

Its like I can see your brokeness infused in your mentallity...

Seeping out in every other word ...

I think its ***ed up (to you) how I shrank myself to fit in your space ... Dishonest maybe ?

It cant be fair that I cardon off little pieces of me ... the parts I dont trust you with.

Even though I didnt give you a chance to prove yourself trustworthy.

Sometimes your ego brushes up against mine leaving scrapes and scratches.

Yet still I am drawn to you ?

Yet still your chest is my favorite place to sleep ??

Yet still you posess power to disarm me with such ease ???

But it feels like a self betrayal ...

The sile...

Melancholy

I can feel my sadness coming down,

banished her to the snowy peaks of my souls mountain for so long.

I can hear my rage coming in, 

She's been resting in the cool depths of my spirits ocean for what seems like a lifetime. 

I can smell my depression lurking about,

He's been trapped under my hearts foot stool many a day and many a night. 

Awakening with leaky eyes,

Never been more dissapointed by the suns presence.

Anticipation of eternal sleep...

The desire to run head first into eternal peace...

Perpetual exhaustion, 

Striving through the hardships used to being the "strong woman",

Smilling through the sadness for its been my most constant companion, 

Knowing that you are the sibling who single handedly disgraced your fathers legacy. 

Killing yourself to uphold your mothers pristine re...

Nonchalant

A heart that drifts in an ocean of your indifference.

Desiring to love you unconditionally,

with a heart that betrays.

Softest intentions,

conveyed in harsh words.

Purest of wishes,

toppling out as contrary ways.

Graceful creatures...

who both love so clumsily.

We; Two

Playing with my Heart,

Toying with my mind,

Running game on me that I once ran on another,

Ive never seen two s so in love with the idea of another loving them to much.

Vain ;vain ;vapid little beta fish circling one another in the bow. 

A couple of attention whores battling for the others undivided attention.

Frustrated that you cant control me,

Appalled that I cant sway you,

I just want to be worshipped like the piece of God that I am...

I just want to worship you like the piece of God that you could be...

Id have given you all you needed if only you could have learned how to love me. 

"Have your ice cream and your cake too" 

If you'd kown how to do so.

We'd both have had rocky road...

Im used to getting my way... 

Your used to being the way... the light... the truth...

But there is ...

The Immaculate Conception of a Most Greatful Soul

I ws concieved at the foot of the universe by the ters, prayers, drems and desires of a woman who was told she'd never bare children.

I was formed in my mothers belly from sheer faith and love...

She made offerings os obedience and good deeds as payments for the seed of me...

I was carried under the heart of a broken spirit whom sought the true love she never seemed to recieve untill meetisng my father.

I rested on the bladder of a woma who birthed her own best friends...

I suckled at the teet of a soul who rarely basked in the light she so often shined into the world...

I was guided up by a bring who looked at my mistakes and saw the likeness of her own face.

I was created by a kind spirit who allowed me to be however strane or different as i needed to be in any given moment...

I was loved by a little lady who understood and guided my anger ingto passion and determination,

I see her smi...

Vulnerable

An even content smile coupled with sad eyes. 

All this love to give trapped in a heart that quietly cries.

Hardened exterior and abandonment issues makes it hard to be understood.

Strong women with Daddy issues so readily allowing thenselves to be misused.

So freely giving the love they desperately seek.

Rebelliousley continuing , every dissapointment makes the heart weak.

So harshley judged ... So easily forgotten ... So often over looked ... and thats her greatest fear. 

Untill your soul is parched and thirsty for her waters. 

Overly transparent and ill afraid; vulnerable ... sometimes eminent doom seems to plague her days.

I See

Looking into your eyes I see myself staring back, Im almost sure its the worst parts of me.Listening to your words I hear lies Ive once told others long ago,Life comes full circle and this is exactly how I know. Your intentions may be noble, Just as mine had always been, Your hands ... those hands melt away my every inhibition like ice on a hot eye. But your truths ... those truths of yours ... they pierce my flesh; sharper than any blade. As I oncehad been, you are very noble well meaning. In your own way protecting my heart ... but breaking it in two all at once. God, how I want to be "the 1" ... your "1" ... the one to make your house a home, to make you laugh, to help you carry your burdens. But looking into your eyes I see myself staring back ... the exact way I've once looked at others before you.

I ... Me ... Always

I paint my flaws on thin tissue paper and tape them to the corners of my consciousness;

 I draw my values in news paper and glue them to the inner chambers of my heart;

I sketch my hopes on wrapping paper and envelop mi mind in them;

Crows come to me at night and peck at my  insecurities.

I chase them away by morning.

The sun rises on my truths then sets on my obscenities.

I embrace them both equally.

I bask in the light and roam through the dark;Howling at the full moon during winter solstice.

I will always dance with fairys along the boundaries of time and space;

My heart will always be wild.

Parts of me will always be child like.

My fire burns intense.

I'm a bit of a lady ... some times a wench ...

I fight ... I bite ... I'm rough ... And tumble ...

But I'm caring ... And passionate ...

And my love is warm.

I cann...

Lean into the Rays

Me with You

Seeing ones self through anothers perspective can often feel like sand paper on brick...

Sometimes i feeel like Yeshua sent you to help make me better, Others i think you enjoy giving my ego these suttle snips.

Worry about me more than i worry about myself; sometimes thoughts of work, business,and wealth push thoughts of you to my minds back shelf.

Always returning however... Desire ever burning however ... filling my cerebrum with visions of now and forever. Filling my heart with warmth and worry all together.

Warmth for the good times and worry for the bad... warmth for our private times and worry for the sad ... warmth for the quiet times and worry for the loud ... Together on good days we are joy ... together on bad days were a little foul...

But i love it i must admit ... our insanity along with the serenity of it all ... Our livid arguments, gentle kisses, the great rises ... however low the falls