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I have recently grown to hate the person that I see
That very person is me
I say it quite disturbingly
But illustratingly
It has become obviously confusing to me.
Cause for so long I thought I gave release to the pain of the past
Little did I realize that it was able to out last and break the tomb style-cast
Coming back from the past
Creating feelings of angst
Feelings that outlast and making me feel like I’m going to crash
With the quickness of a dash
I have come to realize during many days of deep meditation
That for God to allow such an ongoing tribulation
I must be the worst of all of His creation
And so He has allowed the most emotionally disturbing reverberation
And so my loss of personal emancipation is His form of liberation
But where is the consecration if there is only given degradation?
I guess the truth will be revealed the day of national microchip implantation.
And this is not meant to be a dedication
To self-deprivation
And my words are not even a slight of exaggeration
To the levels of loneliness & heightened aggravation.
But it’s a reminder that if you can’t find God, He surely will find ya
Not saying that He will bless you but he knows your every pain
He knows that I myself feel like the pain has already overpowered me to this day
I now refrain from mentioning disdain in the brain
Cause I feel as if I ‘m Gods greatest laundry stain
A stain that He’s been trying to clean for so long but the stain has yet to be removed.
So he demeans, brings down to ruin and collapses my emotional
For he has ruined and or allowed my life to be in such turmoil & havoc
Every time I pray for help, He responds, with “You can’t have itâ€!
Where is the peace that so many always claim they get when they turn to the lord?
Ever since I turned back to the lord, my life has had the most pain, trials & lack of peace
With nothing but an increase of decrease so please you can’t tell me to remain on my knees
God answers to whom He desires
He helps whom He desires and whenever He wants, He will turn off the fires
But for me, that’s not going to happen by His power.
It seems to be a must to have this ridiculous level of pain in my bust
In God I am told to trust
But how can I trust the very fiend
Who has created the situations to make me angry & mean?
Tired and with no energy left in me to continue to fight
I give up and throw my hands up and turn my eyes away from the light
Cause what it has done has made me blind
Forced me to be confined in a subliminal criminal kind state of mind.
To be blind is so much better, taking off my sweater to put on some clean white linen
It’s not the answer to bring to a point of winning
It only elevates your natural response to continue sinning.
On the floor He has me pinning and pinned down
Creating the frown that He then claims to give me a crown
If I’m willing to have my life turned upside down
I now understand why He is so ‘renown’
The concept of a loving God has me feel like a clown
I’m feeling depressed and so down
Where is my medication to offer me some sedation from the tribulation and trial?
Please just eradicate or throw out my spiritual file
His delays are a hidden form of His denial.
For no father would prolong any pain to elevate a character trait inside His child’s brain
But that’s what we’re told and we’re supposed to stay shut & believe
But I have a brain that I use to conceive and simultaneously help me to retract & deceive
If I so desire, jump out the fire and into another frying pan
Out f His hand but into an unknown jurisdictional land.
So what’s my next step and what could ever be my plan
I acknowledge that I have the deck, oh what the heck because it wasn’t I
Wasn’t me who shuffled the cards and gave me a deck that would make my life hard.
Sort of feel as if I am piece of tard
Not tardy, oh ever hardly!
He seems to have disbarred me
So due to my questioning His ways, He chooses to scar me.
Using the emotions as an endless link of painful saltwater oceans
Causing commotion with my verbal locomotion
Has been linked to suicide threats and even forms of suicide
Where can I go to run & hide?
If His eyes that see all things including the platinum and golden rings
That which I do not even hold dear
Oh wait, I must hold back my tear
Let go of my fear!
Become my own overseer.
Because He has yet to come near or hold me dear.
Take His book, sift through & look
See where I can justify my anger and use it as a conversational hook.
For He has already forsook & forsaken me.
And that’s quite obvious & blatant to me.
He has said it loud & clear
That I am not one of His children that He does love so dear.
So dearly, He doesn’t want to come near me.
And that’s why when I pray
He never seems to hear me
What can steer me?
Who or what can steer me from the path I myself have chosen to trod?
Oh wait; the only one would be the omnipotent God
For He controls all things, people & events and circumstances
For that which He dances & prances
To make people feel as if they have better martial artistic stances.
But who or what is the best choice?
And when do you actually know you have the truth because there really is no proof
Stop acting aloof.
The child inside has died for so long I had cried
Seeking for my God to help but he kicked me by the wayside.
Once lived near a place named Bayside
Oh what a hay ride
Not a jay ride
We must coincide to coexist
Don’t try to fight or resist
I insist with my fist
Or do you prefer just a light pecker type kiss?
Do you miss the psychological twist that you spoke with such gist?
I can not be your conquest when there is no adventure
Break the bond of the letter
Since the day that you met her
But who is she
Is it you or is it me?
I guess in time we both shall see?
I have tried to dismiss the lack of bliss
As a mathematical error in the era of pain
But when I wake up so do you
And so where is the gain?
At which point will I be able to break free and be me?
No longer live as you but I can totally be me which is the real me
And only a small group of your friends are able to see.
And so arbitrarily they having been knowing
While through you I have been constantly sowing
To eventually have my character be showing!
And now through many words and accidental dictations, my true self which is not you has been flowing.
And though I speak in terms as warfare germs spread through the air
I creep through your hair
And you don’t even seem to care
But you must be aware
For I will come out one day and it will be like a snare
So beware
And take hold if you don’t want to die young and let me live until I’m old!
May sound cold but I’m tired of being responsive to want I am told
Always preparing myself for a scold
But people are only so bold
Because they do not know or could even fathom my full ability
I could offer tranquility
Or complete lack of sensibility.
I could take full reign of my sensitivity
And for that there may be no credibility
But my full eligibility is the availability of my desires.
Walking & running through fires
Balancing myself on lime wires
Lime lights
Too many fights
With and without fists
Speak in a gist
Withering like a dissipating mist
Do you or I really exist?
What makes life real and what is reality?
Are you writing for you or me?
Or just trying to prove your own sanity?
Maybe inward vanity is what’s creeping inside of thee
So wake up from your spiritual sleeping
And from your emotional matrix
You say you may hate this
But this is why you still live
You may not want to agree but because of me you still live
Ready & willing to give
If you are prepared to offer self
Take your courage from the shelf
And place it into your heart
The fake & real you must learn to take apart
Learn to sift
Mentally shift
Appreciate this offering as a gift
I desire to help you uplift.
If you can understand the hand that dealt
Because it doesn’t matter what you do or had felt
No matter how much you prayed when you knelt
Like fabricated dreams
You’ve imagined many schemes
Broken hearts and consecrated screams
You have held dearly
To try to ignore me but you can’t hate or abhor me
For my reasons of existence, I adore thee.
For you ol’ Eric, sktzo exists to make you stronger
For without me, you would be a warmonger
Although you make me stronger sktzo, I still need to be free
Cause the truth will reveal that we both are I, would you disagree?
SkTzO/Eric
