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I can't recall ever uttering the words dad-dad, much less ma-ma
I always called my mother by her name
It wasn't a sign of disrespect because she and I both knew it was the same
Unlike most mothers, mine never scold me for it
Instead she was flattered and gave me nothing but praise
I must have counted to 10 too many times
Because I said my mothers name passed the number 99
So much so, that my fathers name became an imaginary number
I saw my fathers imaginary self for the first time
When he rang the bell a little after nine with his obscure shadow in front of mine
And, in my little space between the door
I stood and called out my mother in a quiet roar
Here I was standing by a man who somehow knew my name
And, all I could say was, "this man, this man was standing in my way"
It was then I knew I was a fatherless child
And, all the those times I said my mothers name
never stirred up any of his remains
Years went by and little by little
I began to learn of his name
Old love letters hidden in a shoe box between my mother and him
Painted his name to be love
Or, the way my mother would tell stories about this man she barely knew
Created images of fond memories long overdue
Or, that time I found a picture in her room of him tucked under some clothes in a draw
It was then my mother walked right in
And, took it away on a whim
It was the first time I ever saw my mother in pain
I realized his name had to be monster
Why else would she run away?
I thought to myself how bad could he be,
After all, I do have his last name
Does that make me a monsters child?
I realized now what I didn't then
That these earthly beings were much like Adam and Eve
After they sin
But, thank God his mercies didn't allow me to turn my heart black as Cain's
The question is, what is in a name?
His name
His name
His last name is all I have...
