You Changed My Atmos*fear

CATEGORY

first love

Electricity circulates throughout my body. My inhalations are ragged akin to the many craggy rocks hidden beneath the surf as the waves pass us by. I can remember clearly, though it was not just yesterday, a static charge that eminated from within my being when I heard the first word, of the first sentence, on the first occasion that I first heard your voice. In my favor, my strong supple legs were able to withstand the dizzying effects of your mouth crushing down upon my own.  Your lips, manly yet soft; were made hard by the demands that your own body began to place upon you for physical release. You came rushing into my being like a torrential downpour, touching every aspect of the things of me. My lips, my breasts, my hips, my inner thighs, the nape of my neck as your hot demanding breath causes miniscule beads of perspiration to form and roll uninhibited down my back and between the erections of my breasts. We knew we shouldn't. We warned one another that we shouldn't. People in our circles said we shouldn't but we were too lost, too foregone, too invested to try to eradicate, separate or depart from our chosen sides. Me on your left closest to your heart. You on my right with your hand high and firm around my waist, near my heart. We lay together, you atop of me in between my opened and welcoming legs You see in my eyes what I have willed myself never to give voice to, my fear.  You had been comforted by my solicited promise to tell you of any pain. A promise made with fingers crossed, knowing full well I had intentionally been untruthful but only for your good. Nothing would ruin this moment for you. I weighed moments of pain versus your chivalrous nature. I cursed the moment that you caught the glint in my eyes, which even in darkness, you knew were tears. You swore an oath of every profane word you could summon. Your anger was justified, I had been the catalyst because I couldn't keep it together. As you immediately try to withdraw your fleshly connection to me, I clamp down upon your manhood immediately seizing your liberty and refusing to release you until the resumption of our union took place. Looking into your eyes, I saw the power of your anger and for a brief second I was paralyzed with fear. I was sensing I had indeed pushed too long and had gone too far. Your hand moved quickly to my cheeks and as you roughly grabbed, you spoke. As the words fell from your mouth into my heart, it became painfully clear it was not I you had anger for but for yourself. You assumed the blame for causing me pain. You forgave me the lie but you would not, could not forgive yourself for being pleasured in the midst of my pain. In that moment of utter and complete silence I heard a sound and before I could reconcile what I heard, I felt a bitterly hot water mobile entity creep down my face, a tear. I understood too well then. You received within, the shame and anger of hurting me. You muttered words to no one and to yourself, none which I could cipher out. In a Herculean effort you extricated yourself from within. As you did, the force you exerted to leave and the force I exerted to make you stay caused me to cry out loudly in pain. You immediately grabbed me up in your arms, rocking me as we had done for our respective children. You begged and pleaded for my forgiveness. I looked up into those beautiful soulful eyes and I said, "If you understood the depth of my devotion, you would know that I can deny you nothing." I asked you to kiss me and you obligingly did so but it was not like before. The hunger, the desire and the magnetism was gone. I whispered gently, "I need to feel you. I need to hear your heart. I need to bear witness to our connection. I need you to do what we purposed in our hearts to do. Above all, I trust you. It is that trust that will allow me to endure what I must for as long as I must because you must claim me as yours. The pain will be temporary but the bond we forge on this night will be eternal I..trust...you." And with that you and I became  a "we" and an "us" and we're no longer doomed to walk alone