35000
3
Raised on violence and porn
Like I was born in a fraternity dorm
Grew up to be bio-chemically abnorm
Because based on childhood insecurities
What I thought was norm wasn’t the norm
So I felt estranged and deformed
But I still chose to never conform
That meant not having many friends
So I just isolated myself more
And my life became all about “Making meet of endsâ€
I admit it
That when younger I was nearly ~ asylum committed ~
Because of the horrors and atrocities I witnessed daily
Fear gripped me at an early age that my heart nearly failed me
Friends perished
Any and every moment with anyone I cared for I cherished
Saw some go with smoke
While others became gang members
Others became crack heads
Living on the side walk with card board boxes as beds
No doubt I grew up in an environment
That was extremely deranged and crazed
But I took a step back momentarily and said
What can I do to get out of this and grow into a new phase?
I would ponder and talk to myself for hours
Go to the park and rip from the root many flowers
Killed rats, cats and shot pellets at dogs
My life was grim because my future was completely covered in smog
But I began to do nothing but read
Hoping one day I would be a person in a position to lead
As much as my emotions were hurting and my heart was failing with hate
I chose to self elevate and with bad company not congregate
Alone for many years
But then found the girl of my dreams except it was all my reality
She helped me become an even better person with self sustenance
With great reluctance, I believed her great love for me
Abd through my doubt, she stood by my side and truly adored me
But my child hood anger and insecurities
Truly got the best of me
After nearly 9 years together and my not being the best for her
She finally decided to leave and walk out on me
It was a hard pill to swallow 'without a doubt'
But that’s what I get for acting pompous and stout
Arrogant after many years of self persuasion that I was better than the rest
But not strong enough to deal with the doubt, hate, and rage in my chest
After a little more than a year later
I met the woman whom I am still with today
Have a little Angel my beautiful daughter
And although sick to my bones and sinews I still take her to play
My marriage is failing miserably
But now it’s because things have become sort of like karma
I am like my ex girlfriend and my wife is the old me – only living to ‘harm her’
She ‘harms me’ by not showing me the love or attention
Or even appreciation at any level or capacity
So I write to show some experiential insight
With my love and full tenacious voracity
I understand now that I suffer the plagues of lack of love
For it is truly nearly impossible to find the real deal
So I hold on to my daughter and the affection she gives me
Because her love is pure in its essence and her appreciation is real
Now my future is only filled with gloom
Based on my unhealthy conditions that are physical
I know God is real and not mythical
And so I will remain faithful and share when I write some lyrical
My plight is the possible loss of discernment & insight
And the lack of ‘any to care’ for the words that I share
But when the future arises and I’m difficult to find
It's probably because my health has worsened and my body will be found 'no where'.
SkTzO
