Felt like I was born on the blacklist
My only deep desire
Was and is to be much more than average
Saw many things
Pain and crack-heads
Was my very address.
Had to suffer too much madness
Felt more sorrow & sadness
Not many try to pat this
Feeling my emotional fatness
I had to perfect any and all skills
Without any one to help me practice
Spiritual sleekness
Seeking for meekness
Today still seeking a way
The way to get to the way
Praying for a better day
Believing that we’re once spoken & said
She said, he said
Words still reverberate in my head
I pray for the day that I get out of this worlds maddening maze
Dodging all the verbal strays with verbal word play
Til this day I feel forbidden
With much wisdom suppressed & hidden
Always feeling as if my success was forbidden
I had to trod down an endless & lonely road
Lifting myself out by acting and reacting bold
Emotions turned cold
Got too old at an early age
Saw things that only got me enraged
But then I CHOSE to have turned that page
Now older and a little bit bolder
Still imperfect
At times feeling worthless
Somehow feel as if GOD only desired to have cursed this
But I move forward as I write this
And speaking low to myself I disperse this
Letting go of the years of fears, tears and angst against my own self
Let go of the hatred, I know I made this
Not my circumstance
But with God I continue to dance
From Satan I prance
Seeking for the kingship offered by the divine
Sipping on HIS blood wine
Offered to those
Who may at times been his enemies & foes
I choose to bow down to his feet then kiss his toes.
Seems like nobody knows
How the end of my story goes
How will it be?
Guess we shall soon see!
Will it end with me returning to the earth?
Seeking a rebirth from this person
Or shall I as a person only worsen?
Hoping I will not be weakened to the point of dispersing blatant cursing
Now 32 years, still full of fears and holding in my tears
Too old to let go of he who once was
Seeking for the inner buzz
Always in need of love and to understand my path
Recognizing that as I write this
Satan will only spite this
Try to create more plight
I choose to fight rather than take flight
I already gave up too many fights
But a child is on the way
And I want to offer my child a better day
Than the days that came my way
I have in a way, an opportunity
To create moments of scrutiny
Offering the wisdom of the LORD
To not allow an emotional mutiny
Asking, hoping to be basking
In HIS glory
Hoping that’s how I could end our story
No longer days of isolation, agitation and situations that are gory.
I shall continue in his path
While Satan bickers, snickers, mocks & laughs.
I’d rather suffer his discomforts
Than to suffer Gods aftermath of his soon-coming wrath.
Nearly 7 opened seals
With thunderous peels
Moving at the speed of greed
While we walk on our heels
I have to recognize the ties that bind
Once made me blind & confined
I’m gotten tired
So I got rewired
No longer robotic
Took Gods antibiotic
A little chaotic
As I continue to fight the Satanic virus
Like King Cyrus
Now full of SIN
Until the day that I am lifted by HIM
I shall continue to fight with tenacity & vim
Still kind of saddened that I bring a child
Into this monstrous world
That’s only elevating hatred and growing more wild
Dark clouds seem to follow my every step
Sort of lost my desire to remain upbeat & pepped
I’m supposed to believe that we will be kept.
Kept from the true harm that is coming
No longer will I be running
Waiting for the day that the sun is sunning
Shining
No longer any crying or whining
We will be at the table with lord
Truly dining & wining
According to HIS own words
He utilized the power of words
Creating analogies superb
Analytical adjectives & verbs
With the power of Godly proverbs
I still remain sane
Only because I am holding
Even though I feel as if God is in my life scolding
Many blessings with-holding
My future will soon be unfolding.
I don’t want to suffer any longer
So I ask God to make me stronger
I know that my wife or I are not whore mongers.
No idols believed in or followed
Although my faith at times I admit becomes hollow
Still wondering how will it be for us tomorrow?!
This is a brief bio of my own life.
Words used to show variations
Of many situations
Barely living
Yet of myself I continue to be giving
Pain seems to be never ending
Time & space themselves seem to bending
Too the people who think they know ME
This is for those
Hoping they and you, and all of us
Can better understand my disgust
I recently had to wipe off my souls rust
Rusty spirit
Seeking for merit
Hoping when I pray that He can hear it
People say that He listens
Yet saliva from my lips after prayer still glistens.
At times I hear myself wishing
Feel like the pleasures of everyday life I am consistently missing.
To all you people who read this
Try not to easily dismiss
I at times feel shackles on my wrists
Taken in bondage as a slave
To my ‘given’ ambition that dwells within & craves
I’ve let go of sedition and perdition
Hoping & praying to change my human condition
But everyday seems to be an endless rendition
I hope all of you understand
‘Cause when I speak I hope you all truly listen.
I am much more complex than I desire
Seeking simplicity and eternal internal tranquility
But stress continues to persist
For as long as I exist
And yet I insist
I will not resist!
I recognize that the lies that Satan hangs over my mind
Always trying to make me blind
But I seek, pray, ask and hopefully will bask
In the glory
Of the divine mind
Better to drink from Gods chalice
Not when it’s full of malice
I will always say that I never had this
Never had that
What many ask of which I mean.
Proclaiming the very name
Which I once disclaimed as a fallacy
Maybe God is mad at me
For the knowledge he offered in my past
Didn’t last
‘Cause I used logic thinking I could metaphysically surpass
Outlast the high spiritual class
Although I still have no idea for that which I am here
I no longer allow my eyes to tear
‘Cause I force myself to believe that God is near
And that my voice & prayers He truly does hear.
As I wrote this
I wonder who would so easily dismiss this
Because I am sure
That I am more of an emotional thorn
Born just to be to many just a living scorn
Maybe the sins of our family has been passed
Outlast-ed
Been a while since I fasted
Tried several times
But with no answer to my circumstance
So now I just pass it
Looking In the mirror
Seeing my image & impression
Still debating what could be this 11-month lesson.
Constantly mentally elevating while I choose to study with diligence
Asking God to show me His presence with divine elegance
Use His verbal intricacy
Be with me and show me His loving intimacy
‘Cause it does feel at times
As if I am just His
Child of Illegitimacy.
And so far for my historical reference
There has been quite a difference
Prior to once again in Christ believing
I was making good pay
Not walking in a bad way
So it was easy to say
I had the money to go out & play
But lo & behold
I took the words of Christ literal
Using it as my spiritual vitamins & minerals.
He said, that if I believe in Him
He will - A better life offer
And life, give it abundantly
But it feels as if He’s making fun of me
Letting go of me!
I finally believed by proof given for my logic to release its questions of doubt
Hoping at the time
That by choosing God I would enter into a life of peace
And that my skills & talents would only increase
But my world was shaken
My very good salary was taken
Still with good intentions but now with no resource
Asking God to help me understand the plan
And what is going to be the recourse?
So I pour out my soul in written form
Never been the type that is norm
Maybe & quite possibly
I’m spiritually deformed
Not meant to be normal or like others
Never will I reach the level of my sister or my brother
I will be the least at the feast
Maybe unintentionally have the mark of the beast
Maybe be the one that eats the bread with the least yeast.
Bread that is un-leaven
Seeking for heaven
Wishing I could be perfect
Raised up just like the number seven.
But back to the moment at hand
Looking forward to better moment in this land
Better moments in time
Hoping one day I could reach my God given abilities prime
So I could enter into ‘the rest’
Be one of the best
According to my own bio-degradable litmus test.
I know I must know
So I seek to reap what I sow
And so far for eleven months
I have yet to receive
I continue to bereave & grieve
Until the day that Satan from our lives does leave!
Still waiting, to hear from God the very purpose of this test
11 months of pain, strain, emotional rain
Yet I remain the kind of person that goes against the grain
Swims against the tide
From trouble I do not hide
And maybe I do not realize if I truly have let go of all of my pride
I’ve now gotten out of tune
Like a broken instrument
I do not know how to implement
Use the gifts God gave to help save
I continue to have ambition and still do crave
Money for everyday realistic reasons
About to enter into our 4th. season
Without a change of our weather
I do ask if it’s possible or plausible that God just wants to have me severed.
Knowing I am not too clever
Turning on the knob & lever
I still remain active, proactive interactive & no doubt reactive.
But that is who I am
Who God has allowed to be created
Myself I elevated out of many hard times in my mind
Many days of situational bullet type strays
I behaved like a child who craved to be depraved.
Deprived to be truly alive
I still work hard & strive
Wishing upon a star that I will get far
And no longer have to climb the mountains
I drink from his life giving fountains
My soul could then be running & bouncing
Allowing my spirit to smile
Not having to suffer for yet another tumultuous mile.
I want all of you to understand
Who I was, will be, and who I currently am.
Pulled myself out of many, a quick sand.
I had no one to turn to or offer a good hand.
I am blessed because I remain here on this land
After many thoughts and near attempts
To take this soul of mine
And place it into the ditch
But God heard my spirits tone & pitch
Then he chose to enter and offer hope
Threw me a rope
Helped me to better understand & cope
Got to the point that I met my current wife
We loved each other quickly and so we chose to elope.
But now a child is coming
The time is running
Actually and factually, time is flying
And I feel once again like dying
Cause I don’t have anything to offer
To my child that soon will be
And I don’t know if any of you could humanly feel, hear me & see
That although I vent off with words
I admit, I am a bit disturbed.
Many times my own mouth can no longer be curbed.
So please if you all truly believe in the power of the God
We all claim to believe in and love
Then ask God to please answer me from above
And offer an open door
For that which I already have knocked
Cause in less than 3 months our lives will truly be rocked
Spiritually & emotionally shocked
Feeling as if the vault of blessings from us
Has either been blocked or locked.
But I continue to ask for Him to keep us in constant stock.
A little refreshed after all this is written
Maybe now Satan is smitten.
My life will no longer fit his hand like a mitten
Like a glove, I now fit into Gods love
Sent to all of us from above.
So please just pray, pray and ask God to answer what I humbly request
Ask Him to release from me all the stress and distress that dwells in my chest.
Cause once He answers
And destroys all these demonic cancers
I can then be in paradise one of the happiest dancers.
Much to offer and yet no one to offer it to.
I beg of all of you
To ask God to give me insight as to what to do
‘Cause I’m nearly out of my wits
Knowing that this isn’t any skit
I need his life preserving kit
To pull me from out of the pit.
And if he answers sooner than later
He can destroy the demonic behavior
That encircles our lives
Trying to destroy my child & wife
And the plans we have for all of our lives.
For any or all of you that read this far
I thank you that you read to better understand my scar.
But for any of you who had no time
To God it is a crime
‘Cause this may be my crying out for assistance
Seeking for power to overcome Satan’s resistance.
So thank you, as you are now all given my mental admittance…
SkTzO