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DISASSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER INCREDULITY (D.I.D.I.)
Here's a TRUE story, based on facts and they will become evident
Some will appear grossly even mostly irrelevant
But you will see the relevance in my past decadence
I AM NOT seeking pity or any sympathetic sentiments
But poetry became my daily journalistic expressive regiment
Of my minds split psyche impediment
And I will brief you, not deceive you
About MY MINDS thieves from this biochemical Nemesis
And give you a glimpse of my intended end
And what was its Genesis
Nothing here worded should be considered embellishment
Because this is ALL definite, intrinsically delicate
And being THIS expressive is kind of an experiment
NOT to peruse or use linguistic intelligence
As magniloquent elements
To coerce persons into potential hesitance
Declaring my minds filled with rapacious malevolence
So let's start from my heart, as I impart specific elements
NOTHING below is designed with intent
To be pretty or eloquent in my etiquette
To be honest, I remind my mind to be modest and hesitant
So continue to read below
And see how I REAPED what I never sowed
How I thought my life was a cosmic show
For others to be entertained as they see my logics growth
And all I've EVER, really been able to keep stable and put together
Was and is grammatical endeavors expressing all human emotions
And how each were at one point connected or severed
In a method that’s clever
Though, most of my life I must admit
Was a terribly written script so ruinous
I was NEVER covered by the fortitudinous
But became a gloomy yet looming mist
Confused from early on, I questioned:
"Was I born a scorn to be a thorn or have some kind of usefulness?"
Although never a hooligan, I met and befriended numerous
Since the days of my pubescence
I would never had been choosing this,
Refusing the humanist but grew to be homo-luminous
I choose to include my exile with style,
Even when I grew mutinous - The times were numerous
But I outgrew the few and bloomed into the useful scrupulous
And I KNEW to be assertive and well worded
Would be assumed to be ruthlessness
So I stopped scheming, dreaming or assuming bliss
Because Disassociative Identity Disorder was consuming this
And Eric Lee had into depression sank
And began to be a THINK TANK, while becoming a fuming mist
So he assumed, even presumed in gist
That a good life was refusing him!
As I communed with YOU, THEM & I
I cried feeling a good life was deprived
You and I coincide with bad vibes & lies
I cried and defied ties that had denied my sighs
Now look at the size, of my teary dilated eyes
I never compromised, thus I surmised
I might have to surprise my allies with a prize
'Cause even I and my demise were best defined
With heartache and continuous effort and tries
But my mind and its putrid fluid from the 'cerebrum'
I learned to discern when I would 'heed them'
Demons stopped screaming, so I thought I deceived them
Neuromuscular aches and bone breaks
Is how they'd make me grieve them
They hated me and made me spake sacredly
When I was forced to greet them
And I noticed the lost of focus
And self hatred is what would FEED them
Making me feel that I did need them
They told me I would FOREVER be NOTHING without them
And for a long time, I had believed them
Coerced by verse to concede my need
To bleed and be freed indeed from obnoxiously toxic creeds
So in my own mind I was granted to plant a seed
Nearly supplanted, but I was granted a tree to climb
Broke branches but deep roots and grape wine vines
With lines entwined that rhyme
Cosigned by the subconscious mind sublime
So I chose my inner foe, to speak what was wickedly spoke
Rather than fearfully choke
Awakened by the other selves already awoke
After being fragmentally broke
Neural synaptic tactics that acted and reacted with strategy
Every time I felt calamitous catastrophe overlapping me
I began rapping, creating a map of my synapse hoping to collapse
Those feening demons seeking to deceive
Squeeze and never bequeath me
Please believe me - I went from fallaciously conceited
To having conceded I needed
To be fundamentally mentally treated, NOT mistreated
Feeling beat and defeated, I perused and used beats to secrete it
Multiple internal persons hurting, thus burping and dispersing
Verses of berserk wordings, some disconcerting and verbally hurling
While my experiential were NOT experimental
Though my mental was beginning to act detrimental
Seclusion was my conclusion to be my safe haven
For this brazen maven forever craving
To be lyrically AMAZING
Mystically and literally chasing my inner sanctum & haven
And though my inner demons and foes proposed to oppose me
I chose to compose prose as a method to uphold Lee
So don’t scold me
I was always told to be quiet not assertive or bold, but for a time
I became insanely defame yet debased
Stepped out of base and grace and was cold
Brolic and even colicky, I spoke melancholically quite methodically
Because I learned I was cursed in my psychology
So I studied physiology, oncology and pharmacology
Hoping to be shrewd I'd conclude a philosophy of teleology
So I prefer to exert verses of a dichotomy not of just a god in me
But of what's gotten me, on top of the topography
Of what's GOTTEN IN ME
Was to obviously concoct prosaic philosophies
That were initially for my own initial 'E'
So we altered my egos with shock therapy homilies
And my dialect was of one morose soul diagnosed
With a NO HOPE prognosis, so I flow with Gnosis
Merging verses with my own Soul Henosis
Because one of the many Docs got me shocked
When the following words popped
"Mr. Musse, I don’t want to seem pushy
I know you're not here to amuse me
But you’ve got Disassociative Identity Disorder
And I foresee more chaos from an unstable mental border"
This is not a fable of how unstable my optics dropped tears
After my thoughts were smeared and I was forced to endear
And become a fear hoarder… Felt like an alien in a space station
But I had to be wroth, and cross the lying sky border
I began to notice my life lost its quality
So I prayed in a logical doxological colloquy
Hoping to hear or feel some godly oddity drop some knowledge, see?
A little disturbed, because all I heard was silence
Plus, minus Your Highness
ONLY enraged me from HIS informality of malady
And caused me inner violence BEST EXPRESSED via prosody
"I've been a good man my whole life", so I sought for reciprocity
But obviously, god had lost its interest in me
Or couldn’t hear me audibly
Or he was possibly on a cosmological odyssey
So my prayers were said in layers and in much more quantity
But negative thoughts formed a colony of atrocity
And my verbiage dispersed was with FEROCITY
Then I remembered, how people called me witty & clever
But seems all my endeavors were met with slow growth viscosity
And yet I wished I wouldn’t feel dismissed but labeled a prodigy
But I was obviously a progeny of despondency
So I usurped verses from blind hearses, behind churches
Where I noticed locusts & serpents were lurking
And germy vermin were perching with purpose
And I then thought to expect from god an apology
For possibly, messing up my genetic geometry
Because I felt I was not to be a part of a despondent chronology
But sought to drop thermonuclear rocketry
For the populace, hocking this from my esophagus possibly
But I probably, needed to understand my sign of astrology
So I could best detect and invest in the best of me
So even these seething demons detesting me
Infecting and infesting me
Would potentially see a BEAST and invest in me
And so they would behold me although slowly scold me
7 enveloped my soul and began to grope, hold and choke me
And every now and then one of them would provoke and invoke me
It had my inner depths thunder peeling, prayer kneeling so saddening
But realized it was no 'accident', to have no 'acts of HIM'
So I STOPPED 'asking HIM', and began 'bashing him '
For my pain had me maddening, with everything happening
I thought GOD chose to dispose of me or he was mishandling
All the while blessings others, whom were astral traveling
With metaphysical and literal secrets unraveling
All the while I HOPED to be strong enough
To be a diamond in the rough
And a new SELF I BEGAN FASHIONING
And gradually, the tapestry of the wrath in me
Built up against the galaxy
Because I felt my soul slowly atrophy, as if god was mad at me
No plight, but a sight so sad to see
NEVER having been living happily
I grew in rage, enraged at that lifes stage and phase
Felt vacuously inept
External hurt proposed to impose soul bankruptcy
Yet the pain in my brain and neural skeletal anatomy (NO FALLACY)
Had me gradually even casually act and react callously with apathy
And my language of anguish enhanced my profanity
Although rational to me
I look back and see the irrationality of my minds capacity
To chit chat in a formatted rhapsody of fallacious alacrity
I concealed and covered my agony drastically, grammatically
NO ONE really knew what I HAD IN ME, that was maddening
So rapping became my tactical strategy
To escape the pain of slow death atrophy from causality
Having felt, a waste to any longer concealed I knelt
I was compelled, to be deft not daft and mold my craft as blasphemy
And do it rapidly, and make it 'labyrinth like' elaborately
And thankfully, I was able and capable to maintain a façade so stable
Please trust, I would nearly bust a gut, as I would entrust my lust
And expose my morose soul through flows
Disclosing my multiple personalities, via poetic analogies
It was hard to feel like a farce, parched yet parked in the dark
Corridors of horrid doors, and locked chambers
In my minds hidden places
Where seduction takes place in hidden faces
Of many disgraces and depravity
I guess and suppose that I became more than morose
Wasn’t something I chose, but my multi-minds opposed repose
And they sought to see my ruin as a game of hilarity
And here I stand a new man, thankfully actually
After being strapped and hit with a bat to my consciousness rapidly
Not many would understand a life changing diagnosis
And this IS NOT a metaphorical analogy
But an actual life experiential calamity expressed with sanctity
And though this mosaic prose is my mind & soul exposed, practically
I have YET to overthrow these inner foes
Or LET GO of my neural synaptic AGONY
And they continue with their brutality
But I craftily, reach and grab onto my full capacity tactically
And I can only wish you can grasp my 'lifes time' elapsed gradually
As my truth is living proof, which is stated boldly yet tacitly
And I hope, I can continue to cope as I cling onto HIS Majesty.
~elm~
