The Day My Heart Attacked

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first love

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Chronicles of the Heart.. When my My heart attacked! I experienced my very first non physcial heart attack. When a heart divided so deep that you don't realize love has almost severed your main artery.. until you wake up. The outcome of loving so hard it hurts: YOU. It all started when I tried to walk away from everything that made me internally whole. The love in my life, versus, the love of my life. The only problem? Neither love could fully love me back.. the first symptom of my heart attack. I made a promise to love him, despite all the things we'd been through, I believed we were bigger, better, than any obstacle set before us. Years of not feeling protected, emotionally guarded, and protected started to take it's toll on my promise. I started to feel fatigue, I down played it, chalking it up to all the "work" I was putting into being something, someone that I'm not.. bc if I am my best in performance.. then love never ends, and we all win. That was until I met the love of my life. Everything became so unfamiliar, positively strange. My vision rearranged, image, and energy changed. It was mentally the healthiest transformation I'd gone through. My body, spirit, and soul felt new. There was only one problem.. I knew deep down that he didn't love me back.. symptom number two. My heart began to beat irregular. This went on for years.. both rejections.. injected a different kind of piercing pain. In order to heal these wounds. I have to work out to get my mind, heart, and body right, so that my blood flows correctly through my veins. I decided to let go of not only the toxins that had cluttered my being, but also the greatest minerals that fed my soul. Days turned into weeks without my medicine, the environment around me was still polluted.. It literally felt as though the life was slowly being sucked outta me.. symptom number three. I kept going.. my appetite all but disappeared, I kept myself so busy that I didn't even notice that on several days, I had not even taken in but a few bites of food. Was I going through withdrawals bc of them, or I was my heart preparing to mourn the existence of him? "It's okay.. I can keep right on moving, if i stay engaged with work/life each day".. at least that's what my inner voice would say. 3 weeks past.. now almost a month.. things started to become in sync.. in tuned. Truth is I had become so malnourished that I was immune. Going home avoiding things head on, looking for a simpler route. To clear my head, I hit the gym to work out. Until I couldn't suppress it anymore. And reality came crashing down on me.. when my body went limp as I hit the floor. In and out of consciousness.. I couldn't even open my eyes, but I felt determined to not be trapped in that state, bc all I heard was my daughter's cries. Awakening to faces I didn't recognize.. What if?...... my thoughts turned into fear as I was being transported by ambulance.. another opportunity to have this chance, to see my entire life in a glance. That's when I knew I had just survived my very first non physcial heart attack. It's Moaning.. Chronicles of the Heart Copyright L44523