Chronophobia

Cleanse this soul

There is a sunshine where clouds are grey;

his smile fills my heart with praise.

I feel our lives connect everyday,

my heart feels numb as he is away.

I've not been able to see him grow and play,

but my soul walks with his from day to day.

My mind plays false realities in hopes to lead it astray.

Thoughts provoked of what might have been,

seeing a different life I could have had part in.

Multiple roads fork ahead,

why do most link to my past?

I'm lost in the regret of my ways.

My baby has my heart, with him lies my youth.

Longingly I search, to spark lasting vibrancy.

How do I move on, into a new reality?

Discard everything around me,

become totally solitary.

Wade the depths of this soul,

become undone, to be whole.

Faith in Me

From the dreams we share,

where I'm holding you so dear.

Different is the girl I see,

counting her blessings,

happy with everyone.

I fear seeking this

without you,

alone.

I feel the need like a leech,

escaping to solitary means.

Living, loving and laughing

as I please.

Wherever could I find such peace?

To live and do as I see,

no regularities...

I wish I had faith in me.

Humble Worker

I moved to Florida for renewal,

get past mourning for my son.

All I've faced here is poverty,

living daily just to live.

I've pushed so hard,

supported a total of two.

All I've been greeted with is

competitive analytical stares.
 

Wealth flaunted

in the midst of my squandry.

Worked hard all my life,

doesn't that deserve equal share?

Never asking much,

always staying to my own devices.

When will I be able to live

only comfortably?

Many talents to my name,

never searching for fame.

Maybe I'll catch a break

one of these laboring days.

Sexual Orientation

Guilt of something inside,

the curse that befell me

so young in this life.

With threatening chimes

he bribed me to the bedside,

the wish to be pleasing.

A brother's trust,

shattering a little girls' carnality.

Paralized when touched intimately,

my terror misunderstood.

Like a vampire wanting blood,

men overpower

with their sexual desire.

I freeze,

my begging please are unheard.

Only a physical blow

would temper this man,

acting as a raging bull.

Endless Thoughts

I think my brain is tainted,

nothing ever feels the same.

Although everything is repeated,

sun-up and past sunrise.

I feel each ticking hour,

slip by with such surprise.

Nothiing ever feels alright;

puzzle peices strewn aside.

My life may seem fine,

to an outsider's eye.

Inside my thoughts are swirling,

of things covering space and time.

Commuting in Miami

Hazily drifting

over the busy bridge.

Feet weighed down

during the upward climb.

It is overcast...

yet the sweat pours.

Only the beauty from beyond;

the shining waterway,

tall palms arching shyly,

gives heed to my sigh.

Continuing on,

in hopes to better my life.

Chronophobia

Time is ever the enemy

pushing things in order;

forced organization.

Leaving us with built up anxiety

watching the clock,

making the date;

figuring time left with life.

Oh that I did not know the concept!

I may feel free,

endless time permitted.

Where would past go?

All memory may fade,

the present at bay,

like one very long day.

Fade in the Space

In the shadow that crosses my face,
My head as it bows in humbling disgrace.
These endless thoughts turn to dust,
when have I not known any trust?
All this change tends to make me strange.
I float like a tattered leaf hidden among trees.
Have I known any set ways?
Or will I always be astray?
Will I only know lust?
Or will I find that ultimate love?
When will I be so sure, that you will feel I am pure?
That I will not bow down to anything so obscure.
How can you see me so beautiful and happy too,
when all I fell inside is something so unreal.
I wish to be unfeeling, maybe then I can be so believing.
All I can do is listen and watch your face,
just live and fade in the space.
 

Losing Life

As I recall the times I’ve spent
thinking about it all.
I need to move on,
breaking in the fall.
Life has many voices
leaving you to crawl.
Never was a time I had it all.
If I could see me in the future,
the glory in my ways.
For she saith’ in her heart,
torment and sorrow give her.
I would take that time where it was all mine,
dust if off for keepsakes one day.
Lying on my bed counting all the ways,
of getting back to where I need to stay.
 

Take back anything

A brother’s daring bribe,
luring me to my parents bedside.
I did not know what he made my hand do
was wrong or right.
An act not yet explored at age five.
Since then I’ve had a disturbed mind;
sexuality, always a bribing chime.
Luring me to unusual kinds,
situations where wrong feels right.
Because I had trust in my brother;
typical of age five.