3800
Sometimes I wish I can stay sleep
Only to dream of things so beautiful that manifests in reality
My life has never been perfect
Since a kid I’ve always been to myself
Misunderstood, mistreated, and unloved
People tolerate me as if I was a child of mental disorder
They tolerated me because it’s impolite to stare
The tend to be cordial because it’s rude to not say, hello.
They’re polite to a certain degree because they were taught manners
But no one ever truly valued the person I am
No one took the time to love the skin I’m in
No one ever took the time to get to know me for them to say, I love you.
You love me? What about me, you love so much?
No one has ever fully gave me a full understanding on what it’s like to be loved.
No one ever showered me with gifts, unless it was for Christmas which is only one day out of 365 days I’ve lived on earth.
I’ve never had a real friend.
Never had a real sister hood.
And my parents, I have both that I am grateful for, but they have their own lives to live; therefore, I am still all alone.
I was called, antisocial for many years from people who didn’t understand me
I would be all by my lonesome in the corner looking at everyone else enjoy their lives, while I talked to the voices in my head.
I wanted to die.
Tried to commit suicide several attempts, but instead I got high.
Took care of everyone else’s needs because I knew what it felt like not having anyone be there for me, hoping that things would be in exchange, but instead they kept taking from me.
I’ve Been bullied, abandoned, neglected, ridiculed, and left in solitary confinement for years in my bedroom under my mothers orders. Was treated like Cinderella by my sisters. Rumors started spreading about me, and I was looked at as the wild child because no one fully understood me. I ran away at 19. I left home at 21, dedicated my life to Christ, got baptized and no one was there to see me go through my transition because I woke up to an empty house. Apparently, my immediate family decided to go to a resort, and didn’t send me any invitation. I got dressed, went to church and decided it was just me and god. I decided to leave home to go stay with my Dad, in Macon, GA. I got into a fight with my aunt behind her man opening up my door instead of hers; then, got into an argument with my dad while he abandon me at some lady house he was staying with that was tired of taking care of him. I gave him my last $20 for gas in his broke down 1950 Camaro, after I had already spent my money on buying my bus ticket to come see him and food to survive on. I was heartbroken and dismayed. Months later, I called my mom back and came right back home to Houston, TX.
I made it home, visited a somewhat of a friend, and met this guy from that mutual friend, he raped me. By 22 I was four months pregnant. I got raped by my son’s father, who left me in agony and pain. Didn’t confess to the set up until after my son passed that he admitted to raping me, since he didn’t have anything left to hide. I got held at gun point by the age of 24 the night before Thanksgiving in 2016. Off and on the abuse, manipulation, and deceit never ceased. Multiple women, different babies, bank account depleted, I’m walking around insane. I lost my son at 26, he was 3 years of age. The only pure love I’ve ever felt, and I felt like I didn’t love him enough. Here it is 2020, I am 29 going on 30.
I’ve encountered nothing but disgrace, heartache, agony and pain. The only pure joy I had, left prematurely because God took him away. I’m still by my lonesome, but I count it all joy anyway. I have no family, no friends to talk to, but these four walls are my best friend. It carries every picture, every portrait of my love, my desires, and my happiness without ever letting me down. I surround myself with positive thoughts and images that one day I believe will manifest, but If I die too soon before that ever were to happen -- Cremate my body and pour my ashes over my sons grave, so I can nourish his soil with my soul. Then, I will live happily ever after.
Peace, Love, Light and Poetry
-@nicole_thepoet
