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I want you to be happy
I want your eyes to light up like the skies do during a warm summers night in the backwoods overlooking the mountains
I want your heart to flutter and your excitement to overflow like a child’s sprit when they finally get that reward for being...simply great
I just want that...for you
I took the brunt of it all
Overcame the obstacles and battled within my being on and off throughout the years
Told myself that this form of love is an honor a privilege to even experience
My soul would rise up high beyond my waistline
And rain down from the my thoughts like ashes from this massive volcano that resides upon the shoulders of my frame...
And be reduced to black rocks....and slush by my tears...but these were the tears you could never see
You will never see the growth that was occurring beneath the gravity of the weight that you constantly place down upon me
The sweat and tears that escaped from every pore of my being every time we would disagree and taint the earth that grew yet another weed underneath the base were I rest my feet
The pressure was too great
And the pain was not as easy to hide but I did my best because...
You wanted greatness and I wanted happinesses...and that was really it
It was my fault for promising to be great
My fault for telling you that I was happy and that you meant the world too me
I will take that blame and hold it like a badge of honor because at one point when I told you that I loved you, while holding up my small beaten down heart
I meant exactly that
You made me feel as if I were walking upon water
Like I could really dance upon the sunlight
Like the rainbow actually had a pot of gold at the end of it and I was prepared to battle anyone who was willing to prove me wrong
And after almost four years of me hearing that I love you
And I need to fix you, but not necessarily change you.
But you could be so much better
And I don’t want you just here...but right here
It just became too much
So I apologize for not being the man that you have always wanted
The canvas that you would have created a masterpiece out of
I apologize for returning when I should have stood my ground and challenged you when you said that you would take your life if I were to leave you.
I should have been more of a gambling man.
I should have been a better fighter
A man of honor
That force that I believe that we all have deep within our souls
That we only seem to tap into when we have finally depleted our last option
I should have been great
I should have reserved some part of me and tucked it away
I should have done many things except stayed
Yet here I am
Putting on this charade
Contemplating within my mind
Telling myself that this is going to be the last time, you have got to get out now.
Mama has already said if you pray hard enough God will remove them out of your life
And although life was who I used to blame, these days I find that very hard to do
Because there is still apart of me that wants to see you happy
To see those lights shine bright within your eyes
Like the stars do on a warm summers night in the backwoods overlooking the mountains
I truly do want your heart to flutter with excitement and overflow like a child’s sprit when they finally get that reward for being...simply great
I really and truly want that...for you
But I need that as well
Just without...you
