8000
Although gainfully unemployed
(fate now finds me receiving
social security disability –
for approximately
the last baker's dozen years -
the yeast divine intercession
rose to the occasion),
I can still vividly visualize
utter despair during
early and emerging adulthood.
The following synopsis
wrought, impressed, crafted...
within mine temple mount
when yours truly
long overstayed his welcome
and wore out welcome mat
at 324 Level Road
(formerly Rural Delivery 2 -
before expanse of hundred acre wood
constituting Glen Elm tract
became vinyl city),
and lacked courage -
analogous to cowardly lion
epitomized in The Wizard of Oz
to test mettle and live independently –
abandoned said challenge
rather remained domiciled
with birth parents.
Indelible, permanent
and unfading abysmal
damaging domestic dynamics
got indelibly etched in deep purple
upon the memory banks
of this erstwhile individual.
The general gist in the form
of quick broad brush strokes
of psychologically
traumatizing recollection now follows.
I can attest to malevolent
mean-spirited objections
by my then father stayin' alive
(Normandy Farms retirement community
in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania)
at date of forthwith
original poetical draft
(still mourning of his wife,
i.e. mine late mother),
whose passing did nothing
to ameliorate severe emotional trauma
in regard to mine
unkempt appearance
grossly unacceptable attire,
deportment, grossly jaded mien
and erratic work ethic
to figuratively rattle
(and hum) abridged list.
Back in those inglorious bourne days,
I poorly wore the mantle and staff
of supposed maturity.
Lack of compliance
and obeisance with regulations
and rules of the Harris household
brewed, festered and lied dormant
during prepubescence.
The pressure and tension
between maternal and paternal adult
would rank as dysfunctional
way before such psycho babble
(barely audible above the babel
between me mother and father)
became je nais se quois in vogue.
Such venomous barrage
and fusillade spewed forth
from off parental tongues
at an exponential rate
and on a par to feeling
the stinging cudgel of a horsewhip.
Out of fear and timidity,
I consequently and silently
absorbed cruel treatment.
Neither the eldest nor youngest sibling
bore witness against the
tender spirit of their only brother.
A façade as of statue conveniently adopted.
This embodiment ill served
to fend off onslaught of incessant anger.
Such a defense mechanism
offered miniscule protection
as I mentally (dumbly and mutely)
dodged andforded
lobbed and rammed insults
and affected defiance
of endless threats
and hollow ultimatums.
No matter these bitter pills
of blaring character assassination,
denunciation, fulmination, incrimination,
and countless vociferous vocalizations,
I feigned to be stone
(temple pilot) deaf.
Such self-repression
of emotional maelstroms
only caused seething internal ire
to invite intense anxiety
and unpredictable
debilitating panic attacks,
They (mom and dad,
neither parent still alive)
became further angered
and inflamed per my total oblivious stance.
This reaction added insult to injury.
Deliverance per tough love lessons
amplified to the tune
of additional feats
at becoming excoriated, ranted
and raved against personal habits
and what appeared as mine
nonchalant indifference to pursue work.
Those involuntary, unrehearsed
and vicious family chats happened
to be replete with heavily exploding
verbal wrath and uncorked anger.
Dad, the nominal spokesperson
for unpleasant chest donned thumping
trumpeting exclamations emphatically swore
all manner of vulgarity and demanded
from this insolent appearing
male offspring, whose passive demeanor
intimated immediate compliance.
Defiance and fatigue offered him
that predictable and usual blank stare
upon hearing the kind
and lenient sentence
to pack bags and GET OUT!
With the dreaded approach
of dire and sealed fate,
I anxiously experienced
a dramatic increase in apocalyptic suspense.
Deadlines came and went without incident.
What caused especial ire and wrath
to fester pertaining
to apparent ambivalence,
indifference and nonchalance
for me to take any job -
even shoveling horse manure!
My maternal grandfather
supposedly never paid much heed
to regular and steady employment
despite his skill as a tailor.
Hence my mother and three siblings
lived in destitution and poverty.
Behavior of yours truly triggered
her flashbacks scores of years earlier,
when she lived in squalor,
and felt forced to seek either
part or full time income,
where household members
lacked camaraderie and integration
as a healthy family unit.
The wraith of those
ghastly imprecations
still hound with infrequent
unwanted ghostly visitations
from thy dead mother.
Anxiety and once
immobilizing panic attacks
the battle scars afflict
my psyche and interfere
with the ability to enjoy life,
liberty and pursuit of happiness
to the utmost despite reliance
on following prescription medications:
BUSPIRONE TAB 20 MG
CLOMIPRAMINE CAP 50 MG
CLONAZEPAM TAB 0.5 MG
FLUOXETINE CAP 20 MG
GLYCOPYRROLATE TAB 2 MG
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP 1 MG
PRAZOSIN HCL CAP 5 MG
RISPERIDONE TAB 1 MG
ROPINIROLE HCL 0.5 MG
