Not again.

Pregnancy woes

What is this ? Anxiety? 

Is my intuition more profound ,because of this fruit growing inside of me?

When I go to asleep I see the future and  I would hate for my nightmares to become reality

I guess that explains the tossing and turning

The constant yearning of peace

Can I eat one thing without puking?

 Can I please enjoy food Like I enjoy my music ?

And damn these five pounds look like twenty

Who the hell asked  my man for his opinion? 

My sense is heightened ,and I can smell his breath all the way from over here and it's not so minty

Damn near rotten

I used to reminisce about our sweet words, but due to this pregnancy brain those days have been forgotten

5 minutes of oh yeah's ,has transpired into 20 weeks of on no's

Can someone please help me understand my pregnancy woes?

Victory

I failed so many times 

So I need to be prepared to fail again

There's no accolades or gold around my grandmother's living room I never had a chance to win

Either I wasn't focused enough

Or I became to soft when life got tough

My anxiety won't let me see this through

I'm afraid to be afraid

And being afraid is what I do

I rather take a perc ,before I take a risk

Like I said before I never won sh!t

But now I feel something different,  It feels like victory

So good I can taste it

And take it and face that

To the point after I win this time

It ain't no going back

Family secrets

My mama and uncle always bickered

  I mean hard down yelling while every one snickered

I never understood why they hated each other

The funny thing is that's my daddy's brother

I would hug him, and my mom would get mad at me

I observed them closely to understand their reality

He would come over to nana house she wouldn't greet him When he brought us toys for Christmas she would give them back and say we didn't need them

Sometimes he would come over when daddy was pulling graveyard shifts

She would hug him ,I think one time I seen him kiss her on the lips

They would laugh all night

And kinda sound like they made up

But they'll get back to their routine

When daddy pulled up

 Is daddy my uncle?

And uncle my daddy?

Either way I love them both and they both made me happy Nana told me  "Dont go opening ya mou...

Her stories

I sit back as mama combs my hair

 and begins to grease my scalp

Shes telling me about the days she was smiling

And the nights she went without

About the beatings she would catch when sneaking out  to meet my daddy

Kissing behind the oak tree and planting their family seeds

Listening to Mama stories I cried and she cried

Especially the story when her first child died

Mama stayed strong through her weakest moments

She stayed with my father whom couldn't stay faithful

When I think about it ,Mama could never braid

She just enjoyed having a listening ear as she  reminisced about her younger days

It burned, but it's not all bad.

I burned my soup thinking about you

Wondering when you'll call knock on the door and come through

My emotions were up and down like a roller coaster

As you watched for your amusement

Remember when you first said I love you

I should have never got used to it

But my eyes lit up like downtown Manhattan

We use to laugh for hours and cry on each other shoulders

What happened?

My soup is ruined now

I have to throw away the pot too

Now I have nothing to eat

That's what I get for being a fool ,thinking about you

Once again risking it all

Forgetting why I walked away in the first place with a frown

Then catching myself quickly before I fall down

Now my soup may be in the trash

And my stomach may be in pain

But thank God I had that moment to reflect

So I can never be with a person like you again

My biggest problem

I have abandonment issues

 Even when you leave for a a hour I start to miss you

I've experienced moments

When they never came back

I cried so many times

My voice began to crack

My eyes  red

My soul dead

They promised It was for a second

You know the ones I really miss the most

Probably don't regret it

It's best I  forget it

I've been consumed  with my abandonment issues

Even you go in the other room

I start to miss you

Dont leave me I beg

Theres so many possible outcomes in my head

Will he cheat on me with my neighbor

Will he wake up dead

Someone has to save her

Her is me

Are these normal problems?

Or do I have a mental disability ?

Do I need to be medicated?

I've read hundreds of books ,hoping to be educated

But there was nothing to...

The power of lust

Lust will leave you stuck

Lust will have you calling someone else's wife 1 o'clock In the morning  just to get sucked

In return you'll get a taste

All in all lust Is still a waste

God made no one perfect

But theres no excuse

We all have the capability to question,  is it worth it?

To go the extra mile to get pregnant by your side with good d.ck

Knowing he doesn't want a child

Unfortunately you can't change his mind

Lust mimics love

But, lust is quick ,sultry and fun

Then you go to the clinic 2 months later

And now your done

Replace lust with respect

Before you get trigger happy 

Ask have you been checked?

Before you decide to cheat

Respect yourself enough to not be In that seat

And when ever you get in that mood to be thrilled

Remember lust has the power to have you missing and killed

How much are you worth?

Beauty is within

  You can be more sexy

But dont be infatuated with sin

Dont go great lengths

To be accepted

Dont let your outer be perfect

And let your spirit be neglected

Because what's a beautiful women worth If she's not respected?

Not again.

I'm in bliss

I hear his footsteps

I'm smiling by the sound of his shoes coming up the stairs

I'm feeling sexy  I'm playing with my hair

He opens the door

He gives me a familiar stare

So I reach for a kiss

Instead he clenches his fist

What did I do this time

I didn't cheat or lie

God please let this be the last time

Misguided

That young boy at heart

 Doesn't know how to navigate

Doesn't know the difference between what's love and what's hate The little girl thinks if he hits me ,that means he likes me

But in reality no one taught the abuser how to communicate

Love is patient

Kisses are soft and tender

Hugs are warm and easy to remember

Now these are all signs of healthy affection

Unfortunately that young boy was guided in the wrong direction

He use his fist to make a statement

Verbal abuse is his way of praise

Love should be tough he says

So thinks he's a man now

So who's going to correct his ways?