Today was a bad day, I can see it in your eyes, its all over your face, I hear it in your lies. Its been almost 3 years, since you’ve had a good day. You don’t remember. What its like not to cry everyday. You’ve convinced yourself. You're not ready to die today. But suicide is a thought that never leaves your mind. Cause you feel trapped in this world that you’ve so far failed to find. A place that's comforting or a friend that’s bind. Everydays a struggle, but you keep a smile, people ask how you are, but its been awhile. since you’ve told the truth. Cause you know they don’t care. They’re just being nice, polite and aware. Of your presence and existence. Its not like they want to sit and take the time to witness. Another human being who struggles thru the days. Mayb not like you do but similar in ways. Cause no ones perfect, but that don’t mean you ain’t worth it. Now here I am. Makin you feel opposite of perfect. Your struggling today. I'm sittin down eatin. Havin a good day. Then you walk by me and. I look at you like were not the same. My friends say you're lame. I start judging you. I have no shame. I make a comment cuz your shirt don’t match your shoes. It’s 3 in the afternoon and you reek of booze. Instead of make up. Your left eye’s covered in a black and blue bruise. At this point I feel like I got nothing to lose. Cause this is just a game….right? let me give you a flash of news. You're WRONG. Even the little things. Affect others. My cell phone rings. Its my brother. I laugh, I smile. While you stand in the isle. Don’t know what to say, how to feel. Cause I mocked you while. I knew you were hurting. And you’ve bout run out of ways to deal. With the pain. You’re thinking, if only she knew. Damn she’s vain. But you don’t know me and I don’t know you. I don’t know your pain or what you go thru. But I know I didn’t help. I just added to. And somehow I'm mad at you. Cause I'm mad at myself. I could have been the one. To take the time. To not be a b*tch. To make sure you’re fine. But I did the opposite. Now 3 days passed. Woke up this morning, so happy so great. I heard some girl passed. Didn’t recognize the name. But I couldn’t get past. Her face. I used to see her around all the time. She usually always smiled. But I could tell she had a depressed mind. When I saw her I compiled. A list in my head. Of things I didn’t like. Sometimes said them outloud. Like it was obvious and right. You were part of a crowd. That I was proud I was not. But what does that say about me when I know nothin about you. except that you had pain. Maybe no friends. You were going insane. After that night. 3 days ago. Thoughts of killing yourself finalized in your brain. Can I blame myself for your death? I didn’t even kno you. Did my cruel words take your last breath? Or were you too far gone. I still think I could have helped you. I didn’t have to kill you. I could have helped you. I should have been nice. Next time I see someone. I will think twice. I want to be your friend. I want to be there for you. I want to try and mend. The pain I’ve caused you. because I've been doing this to you for 3 years. And I didn’t even know your name. Until I saw it under my tears. Next to your face. Under which read. Girl of only 21 years. Dead.
jnikic5
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sorry for killing you
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life
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COMMENTS
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The Immortal Wize says: Damn powerful! |
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jnikic5 says: thanks! |
OTHER POEMS WRITTEN BY jnikic5
the best giftwhen i give it to you, you better not ever take it for granted when i give it to you, you better realize where my heart is planted when i give it to you, i hope you know it means you’re special when i give it to you, i’m not doing it just to test you i give it to you, knowing i can never take it back i give it to you, knowing you might knock me off track i give it to you, knowing this is where i wanna be i give it to you because you make me happy it’s the best gift in the world, and you can’t even hold it It’s MY time...and even i can’t control it  |
glimpse of hopeThe last 4 days. For the first time in a long time. My heart wasn't constantly hurting. For once i didn't feel completely broken. Completely helpless...I felt peace that was completely unspoken. Just a feeling in my heart regardless of what was spoken. The kind of peace that makes all the broken pieces and pain seem insignificant because of my God. My God, healer of all. All knowing, all powerful, merciful and loving. He deals with it all and somehow we constantly underestimate His power, healer of all. As if my pain is too deep. My problems too complicated. For me to just trust and take the leap. As if I am completely unrelated to Him or anything having to do with His will. I forget that not only am I related to Him but created by Him and for Him to do His will not mine. Regardless of what's related to my heart, I gotta do what's on His mind and constantly be in prayer to find answers to my questions that only He can answer. Because He is the beginning and the en... |
anguishIt happened. It all happened. And I just went numb. Defense mechanisms that wouldn't let my emotions succumb to the true pain and multitude of feelings that would emerge from this series of dealings with people who didn't set out to hurt me but still so viciously dirtied what I once thought was so pure, so full of life and love, feels like it came from the angel above that fell beneath and now lives among heathens, constantly battling for our souls, never giving up never letting go but somehow still breathing, I won't be eternally defeated, I won't be concreted into something I hate, I won't let this hate in my heart become innate, I'm constantly battling something I don't feel ready to face, so I turn around but it's still in my face, there's no hiding, nothing I can do to erase, the memories and pain that were so aggressively placed, upon me, and now I find myself searching for just a trace, of hope and purpose every day. There is purpose in ... |
xanother day but nothing new I’m still crying over losing you maybe not visibly, but my heart still can’t take the truth i still remember the last day i saw ya face It’s been so long but seems like yesterday and i can’t erase the image, the pain, the feeling that I’m insane i love you so much, the depth of this feeling i can’t even explain the placement of blame, i put on myself for ruining your life, for making a decision based solely on myself i said i was doing this for you, i said it’d be better this way i didn’t think you could be happy if i let you stay so i made the decision and you had no say now all of the apologies in the world could never make it ok
i couldn't handle the thought of you i always wondered if you’d be able to handle the truth i wouldn&... |
one lovemy one true love on this earth, i can’t explain it |
how Christ saved me this yearIt’s been an amazing year i just want to be near to You and have my ear to You Christ you saved me |
for my little sis
boo boo don’t do it don’t go down that path at the end of the day i want your smile to be genuine
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June 10thanother birthday, another year passed |
Rant Life can only be lived forwards I love to laugh until it hurts I’m not a touchy person but i love hugs and none of us will ever be perfect so stop flexin |
i could be good...Envisions of pain tattooed in my brain |