my pen and paper

the best gift

when i give it to you, you better not ever take it for granted

when i give it to you, you better realize where my heart is planted

when i give it to you, i hope you know it means you’re special

when i give it to you, i’m not doing it just to test you

i give it to you, knowing i can never take it back

i give it to you, knowing you might knock me off track

i give it to you, knowing this is where i wanna be

i give it to you because you make me happy

it’s the best gift in the world, and you can’t even hold it

It’s MY time...and even i can’t control it

glimpse of hope

The last 4 days. For the first time in a long time. My heart wasn't constantly hurting. For once i didn't feel completely broken. Completely helpless...I felt peace that was completely unspoken. Just a feeling in my heart regardless of what was spoken. The kind of peace that makes all the broken pieces and pain seem insignificant because of my God. My God, healer of all. All knowing, all powerful, merciful and loving. He deals with it all and somehow we constantly underestimate His power, healer of all. As if my pain is too deep. My problems too complicated. For me to just trust and take the leap. As if I am completely unrelated to Him or anything having to do with His will. I forget that not only am I related to Him but created by Him and for Him to do His will not mine. Regardless of what's related to my heart, I gotta do what's on His mind and constantly be in prayer to find answers to my questions that only He can answer. Because He is the beginning and the en...

anguish

It happened. It all happened. And I just went numb. Defense mechanisms that wouldn't let my emotions succumb to the true pain and multitude of feelings that would emerge from this series of dealings with people who didn't set out to hurt me but still so viciously dirtied what I once thought was so pure, so full of life and love, feels like it came from the angel above that fell beneath and now lives among heathens, constantly battling for our souls, never giving up never letting go but somehow still breathing, I won't be eternally defeated, I won't be concreted into something I hate, I won't let this hate in my heart become innate, I'm constantly battling something I don't feel ready to face, so I turn around but it's still in my face, there's no hiding, nothing I can do to erase, the memories and pain that were so aggressively placed, upon me, and now I find myself searching for just a trace, of hope and purpose every day. There is purpose in ...

x

another day but nothing new

I’m still crying over losing you

maybe not visibly, but my heart still can’t take the truth

i still remember the last day i saw ya face

It’s been so long but seems like yesterday and i can’t erase

the image, the pain, the feeling that I’m insane

i love you so much, the depth of this feeling i can’t even explain

the placement of blame, i put on myself

for ruining your life, for making a decision based solely on myself

i said i was doing this for you, i said it’d be better this way

i didn’t think you could be happy if i let you stay

so i made the decision and you had no say

now all of the apologies in the world could never make it ok

i couldn't handle the thought of you

i always wondered if you’d be able to handle the truth

i wouldn&...

one love

my one true love on this earth, i can’t explain it
its a game that i can’t even play and it pains me to say it
it drains me to weigh it, so heavy on my shoulders
i wish i could lighten the load but its heavier on my heart than a ton of boulders
its just a part of me, deeper than i can even comprehend
engrained in my dna as if basketball is what makes my heart mend
its what makes my heart beat
but its also what makes my heart break
the knowledge of never playing again, my heart can’t take
and being ok with never playing again, that part of me is so fake
so my only option, is to turn to God
not just a quick hello with a head nod
but get on my knees in prayer and give Him everything
thank Him sincerely for giving me everything
Christ Jesus is everything I’d ever need
so I thank Him for sending His son to bleed
for everything He did to make the d...

how Christ saved me this year

It’s been an amazing year
an amazing time with you Lord
an amazing time to hear
everything you have for me Lord

i just want to be near to You and have my ear to You
always hear where You want me to go
You always wipe away my tear and make me smile
You erase my fear and hold me while
i hear your children cheer for me when I’m feeling vile
I’m not always what I appear to be but I’m tryin...

Christ you saved me
you came into my heart and changed me
and everyday since you’ve made me
to be a little less like me and more like you…
i know it sounds crazy, if you don’t understand
but i’m hoping that maybe one day everyone will comprehend…
the abundance of His love, the limitless grace and mercy
and that if we just embrace it and face adversity
with a smile on our face
and stay strong while we ...

for my little sis

boo boo don’t do it

June 10th

another birthday, another year passed
another day wishing that you hadn’t passed
i’m looking to the future, not dwelling in the past
but it doesn’t change the fact, that your life didn’t last
at least long enough, to see me grow
into the beautiful young woman, that i would love for you to know
you taught me everything you thought i should know
before you left us, to be with our heavenly father, see
you taught me to trust in Him, so earthly things won’t bother me
and you prepared me for everything that would come next
so that i could be an inspiration to others and not get a complex
not spiral down the wrong path
or do crazy things that would just make others laugh
i miss you everyday, and this is no different
but sometimes i just cant put to bay, feeling so different
from everyone around me, i just want to make a difference
a lasting i...

Rant

 Life can only be lived forwards
but only really understood backwards
I’m not good at expressing my feelings
so I’m sorry for my lack of words
but I need to explain some things on my mind...

I love to laugh until it hurts
and I aint gonna lie I hate to cry
I avoid it at all costs, I dunno why

I’m not a touchy person but i love hugs
and it really bugs and irks me to my core
when people just lie to my face and then shrug
like you ain’t even got the common courtesy and grace
to tell me the truth, put yourself in my place
and it really tugs at my heart and makes it race
when people judge others, its just such a waste
of time and space
leave that all up to God, He sent Jesus to die in our place!

and none of us will ever be perfect so stop flexin
we’re all equally bad, so stop vexin
and don’t let satan con...

i could be good...

Envisions of pain tattooed in my brain
Decisions to abstain from behavior so vain
Precision in my work while I still remain sane
Divisions in the domain of what I have yet to gain
Detained by the rain
I’m drowning in disdain
Collisions of my thoughts and feelings I can’t explain
But I’ve maintained to contain my profane side within me
While I refrain from the inane actions that have been me
I must regain the strength to retain lifes length
And until what I’ve obtained is greater than what I have yet to gain
I won’t stop until I go insane
From sippin on Champagne or ran train in the hood
I’m like a Great Dane trying to be humane
I remain misunderstood
Restrained by misconceptions that could be good
But stuck in this mundane world that should be good
I could be good, I wish for your sake I would be good…