The Lifestyle I Live

CATEGORY

life

 Tears roll down the side of my face as I lay here.
*Who is he?* *What... is... his... Name?* I sigh,
another nut, another number.
Not caring who I am?
Not knowing who I be.
*My clothes, my clothes, its dark in here.*
Was my face to ugly?, was my body to repulsing?
Ugh, *What is that smell?*
That's right its the smell of many one night stands, bad habits, and shameful walks home.
I have to go, bladder on bust, legs on shake, head spinning.
*Is that the time?*
Was it a date or just an illusion that I told myself knowing exactly where the night would end.
SIN!
but not one is greater than the other yet this lifestyle feels so HEAVY.
Stumble, *great I found my shirt*, wet with perspiration from nerves that should no longer exist.
"Come on now, you've done this PLENTY of times, stop acting so scared" He says.
Lockjaw, broken condoms, and SEMEN.
Turn knob, open door, door creaks...
*Shhh, quiet, he's asleep* same routine just a different .
Finally the bathroom...
The sweet feel of taking a piss after meaningless sex, mindless ***ing, and no future of love.
Flush, Spinning around and down the drain goes hopes and dreams of an us there will never be.
Where is that damn light, here;
CLICK!
*Oh * Can't even recognize myself; a step back, a move forward, yet stuck in the same damn spot.
Washing my hands hoping to rinse off past abductions of my body, lingering scents that effect my noise and haunting feelings that have touched my soul.
*Cleanse me you antibacterial soap.* But it can't.
*Who are you? * *What have you done?*
Too late to take it back, too late to feel sorry but I tell you this.
What's done in the dark will soon come to light.
Standing in the doorway silent as can be.
Snoring is all I hear, a nostalgic smile crosses my face.
A couple of hours of pleasure for a lifetime of self petty.
CLICK!
"Yo what ***!" as usual give me something different, Its always the same.
*Sigh will things never change*
Brown , white , small , big , I smile, can't help but laugh !
Anger, frustration and of course disbelief that its 3am and I'm kicking you out my place.
Sad as he picks up his clothes, his yells and screams feel like hammers and nails chipping at my already broken heart.
*Oh there are my underwear*
*Why do I continue to do this to myself?* We walk to the door.
Him in front, he turns to face me, door opens.
KISS!... A short pause; "See you next week" he says.
Knowing that this will replay just like it always has.
"Of course" I say with a sweet smile insuring him that his nut i'll take, as long as mine end up on his face.
*WHAT A ***ING DISGRACE I AM!!!*
goodnight and goodbye he waves while he walks away and into the night.
Closed door, bedroom scene, open window, I stare.
I guess this is "THE LIFESTYLE I LIVE."