500
4 years old when it started, couldn’t get him to stop
When momma and daddy weren’t around brother would climb on top
And do things to me as if I wasn’t his sister, telling me he was only playing
But only he enjoyed it while I was motionless laying
Hoping that it would soon end
Or that baby sister would barge in
And startle him so much
He’d remove his hand and jump up
Rescuing me for a little while
Allowing me to return to being a child
But it was only temporary
For I knew when momma wasn’t paying attention and his hormones were flaring
It all would happen again
I would have to lay there pretending to be sleep
While he did what ever he wanted to me
But those were the better days of this shameful prison
Because sometimes he’d assume my position
And force me to do those things to him
I would cringe within
Utterly disgusted
Afraid to discuss it
Alone, I suffered
While my stay at home mother was oblivious
Completely missed it
He was 14 when she walked in on him masturbating
Such a coincidence because I’m 2 years younger than him and at 12 she started shaving
My sacred place as my sister watched
So brainwashed
I thought it was normal
But looking back on it I know That B*tch Knew
Her only job was to watch us but whenever I needed her she wasn’t around
Like a snake in the grass, she never made a sound
Never showed her face
Gone without a trace
Now isn’t that strange
For a woman that allowed no closed doors in her house
Never told her about the abuse until I was grown
Because for so long my perception of family was tainted
So deranged
By the picture she painted in my mind
Loyalty no matter what
Continuing to love people that showed only hatred to me
Blurring my sight with the few good memories
Dying in silence
Adjusting to violence
Complacent with being a victim
Mentally changing me like some sort of syndrome
12 years of burdens I could no longer bear it
Had to free myself,had to share it
And she didn’t believe me
Said it was all lies my mind was conceiving
This from the woman who’s mother said the same sh*t to her
25 years earlier
After that from her life I withdrew
Thinking back on it often realizing That B*tch Knew
Took us out of public school
Randomly dropping by my jobs planting negative seeds in my head about the coworkers she saw me talking to
Secluding me
Eluding me
To believe she and the family unit were the only ones who could be trusted
Infuriated when I decided to move out
Profanities spilled from her mouth
Now I see she was scared, scared of what I might tell
And who I might tell it to
Because she wanted me to remain silent, cause That B*tch Knew
And now the world does
No longer my mother
Below the scum, that is my brother
Because he did what she allowed him to
But her, that b*tch,That B*tch Knew
Erica Jenell
2013
