3500
for the umpteenth time
during spate to sit scrawny buttucks
on porcelain throne id est
videre licet toilet bowl...
with toxic water brew threatening
to overflow onto the floor,
and hence found yours truly (me)
immersing himself in the holistic experience
for the pure love of bucket flushing
since applying plunger to no avail
found me able, eager, ready and willing
to whoosh upon a star to enlist
the entrepreneurial daring doo doo
of eldest offspring to design a *corkerasp,
and found (me) zee papa frankly
zapped, pooped, fatigued, et cetera out,
thus daring poster boy afflicted
by recurrent bouts of constipation
to share embarrassing communiqué I post,
a reasonably rhyming poetic shout out
to air flatulent grievances
concerning outsize bowel movement
hoping (fat/slim shady chance)
Mike Rowe happens tubby about,
though shadow of a doubt,
he will avail himself
anal eyes zing thee
nightly dump for yesterday
September 2nd, 2024 - whereby
plying plunger in vain, cuz suction
barely helped obstruction give way,
I nearly lost me life and limb oy vey
oh my dog, the same asinine outcome
which spurred poet to get underway
matter of fact, a replay
of excretion almost
occurred earlier today,
and thus an attempt to describe
a tragicomic scenario
regarding bowel movement
the size of subway tram,
an urgent message to maintenance person,
yours truly must relay
overflowing potty nearly
found yours truly quay
king, yet impossible mission
arises to portray
with unsightly turgid prose
and cons of situation,
the juvenile elements of harried style
swiftly tailored, I hate to overplay
odoriferous subject matter
nsync with constipation
since laxative delineates,
expedites, facilitates,... née
posits heavy load emanating out rectum
quite amazing what
smelly waste exits out me
necessitating able linkedin line
O Captain! My Captain!
I signal emergency mayday
posterior end, a dime size orifice,
which malfunctioning sphincter muscles
one moost never be lackaday sic cull
though kids and adults
laughed back in the day,
if and/or when Danny Kaye
tactfully poked fun including that girl
at such critical bodily phenomenon
equally important as a jackstay
to keep afloat body electric
accursed with rectum ammunition
auxiliary accouterments interplay
analogously precise as
Swiss made timepiece
said system responsible
to expel bodily toxins
upon which sitting on porcelain throne
one can softly utter hooray
thankful to experience relative pleasure
until one becomes feeble minded,
whereat sixty plus shades of gray
matter allows, enables, and
provides enjoyably foray
into the bathroom, which entranceway
hoop fully not barred nor off limits
cuz that primitive
urge one best not delay
lest one requires lower
gastrointestinal intervention
especially if blocked up
fecal matter which turns to clay
unless of course one doth
cause damage and betray
respect toward well
oiled human machine
exercising and eating healthy
avoiding backside skeleton musculature issues,
yes... I reckon during twilight years
control over bowels doth slip away.
*The Essence Of A Corkerasp.
(which fictitious object contrived
by my then twenty plus year old
third year college student,
(who will turn twenty eight
on December twenty second),,
but SHE would never admit
to birthing such an offal bit of drek.
The essential name arose
from preschool, predicated,
precocious person, and the words....?
Whenever constipation a pain in the ass
just maneuver this lightweight
metal contrivance made of brass
no matter if anybody
considers this action crass
apply corkscrew motion
up the alimentary canal
to remove human waste,
which most likely
will be thick like petrified paste
stuck deep inside
bowels of sphincter muscles
and solidly encased
causing severe cramps
within lower gastrointestinal tract
inducing one to wince nonstop
from being fecal matter packed
and no amount of primal groaning
doth loose this hard fact,
nor does imagery of freed turd
ease formidable anal plight,
no laughing matter
despite how absurd
squeezing does nothing
even applying all inner might,
thus necessary to incorporate
un-natural intervention to un-clog
rectal blockage + uncomfortable bloating
swelling anus the size of a hog
disabling bare derriere
ease to stand let alone jog,
yet tis essential
per extricating what feels
like one swallowed a log,
which could presage demise
of sufferer, whereby epitaph
twill induce impossible
eulogy spoken language
where tongues wag in Prague
every ounce of effort required to bend
over gingerly affixing
plunger end of device
to business of rear end
best accompanied in tandem
with close companion or friend
this dirty deed done
dirt-cheap trick will ideally rend
rock solid excrement to roll and crash
(on par traversing highway
to hell) soundcloud, I
without fail regularly out the tushy send
upon bathroom floor
possibly inducing tsunami
seismic waves less or more,
whereby toilet bowl water will pour
over the sides akin
to white caps near sea shore
without doubt making
gluteus maximus extremely sore.
