Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance

I love you…

Is the most important thing I’ll say so I wanted to start with that.

It’s also one of the few things I’ve said to you that I have no desire to take back.

Plenty other moments I wish I could relive and redirect,

Recreate memories to replace ones i pray you forget.

Both of us too strong to be weak for each other,

Moving too fast to slow down and truly get to know one another. 

We showed each other our worst sides.

So in a sense we were our own worst enemies….

Yet and still I want to fight for you with every fiber of my being,

Brain screaming to let go, heart doing all but agreeing.

bleeding.

out.

Im at war with myself…

And nobody else…to be honest.

What do you do when your joy and pain derive from the same source,

And futile attempts to separate them only makes e...

Acquiesce

Someone in the world is enjoying a drink out of a mug with our picture on it.

We didn’t last until Christmas so you didn’t get it and I didn’t  want it.

I wrapped it up in the new hoodie that was also meant for you,

And placed them in a donation bin for clothes and household items too.

I made a playlist of songs to blast whenever you walked through the door,

But you said maybe when I asked if you’d come talk to me once more.

So I listened to it for the last time on that empty drive home,

Then I deleted it and accepted the fact that you’re  really gone….

I cried out your name only to hear my voice bounce off the hollow walls.

Then I closed my eyes and gave way to darkness falls.

I don’t know if I’ll wake up to your extended helping hand,

Writers Block 2.0

I want to write, I really do

But when my heart left my body my soul separated too.

My mind caught a flight and somehow got lost in the clouds,

My feet only seem to travel to places where I’m not allowed

My hands choose to knock at doors that will never open over grabbing a pen,

Because pens feel like blades that open wounds on already bruised up skin.

Daily injections of reposado to keep the demons away,

Being that poison is the only protection for me to get through a day,

But through each day I continue to get.

Pushing through pain and hit after hit.

One day,

maybe I’ll find all the right words to say,

And hopefully I’ll figure out who I am along the way.

Bleed Out

Yesterday,

You kissed me as if we still love each other.

Today,

The conversation went away as if we never knew one another.

48 hours ago we drank, we laughed, we stopped just short of crying.

Today,

RADIO SILENCE

and

Truthfully speaking this separation seems worse than dying.

Definitely easier said than done.

YOU were supposed to be my ONE....

and ONLY.

Lonely

Was never supposed to be part of this plan.

Yet here we are...

I begged God for motivation to write again,

Had I known it'd cost me you... I would've rather never touched a pen again.

Never buy another journal or notebook,

Never rhyme again and have a graphophobic outlook

I'm so shook.

My handles tremble as my heart bleeds onto this tear stained paper.

Wishing I could rewrite the ending from "bye" to "ill see you later",

Because seeing you later would...

Hard head Soft Ass

I’ve always had a problem with wanting things that just could not be…

As I child I often cried because, I wanted never ending weekends so I could be forever free.

I wanted candy for breakfast, popsicles for lunch and ice cream for dinner.

I wanted it to always be my turn and of course I wanted to always be the winner….,

“But That’s not how life works” became a mantra instilled in me many years ago.

Too bad old habits die hard, and that’s one that I could never quite let go.

I want you….

And In addition to it feeling normal these feelings also reign true.

I know that I shouldn’t,

I hear you saying we couldn’t,

I just can’t help but feel like we can….

You say this isn't that for you..

But it is for me.

So as far as where it’s going, I guess we just have to wait and see....

Til the pen runs dry

I told myself

That I’d write a three part love poem that had a very happy ending.

So certain how it would play out that I scribbled in the conclusion before the beginning.

I spoke of wedding bells and happy days,

Only to end with a leading actress wearing no face.

I’m writing a three part love poem and I no longer know who it’s about….

After the loudest whispers and quietest screams there’s only confusion to be sorted out. 

So now I say I started a three part love poem that ran out of love before I ran out of words to say

 I suppose that's why I talk in circles until my words to drift up and away.

 I don’t know if I'm writing "it’s nice to meet you" or "it was good knowing you",

But,

I’m writing…

I’m living…

I’m losing…

                           ...

Ode to my secret Queen

She sprinkles me with her light showers every morning before I exit the door…

Usually vain efforts serving as a sample that  only makes me want you more.

A silent tug of war 

I leave her everyday, just to go to work and freely dream about you.

Needing more than just getting the job done and she can’t do what you do.

I like the splashes she leaves on my skin  but they simply can’t compete,

With the way you fully engulf me in wetness and silence my desire to speak.

Peacefully drowning me.

You swallow me whole like a meal you’ve been dying to eat.

Gently pulling me under until we reach new heights.

No arguments

No fights

Other than me fighting to stay when I know it’s our time to end

I tend to stand over you staring and debating if we should go again

But…

We don&rsqu...

The Quietest Scream

After a few trips around the sun, 

at last we reunited under the stars.

The moon being the sole keeper of our secrets

Using privacy to protect this love we call ours.

Love songs resounding in the background happy and sad alike,

Once again we joined hands and danced the words to the most confusing love story I’d ever write.

Twisting,

Twirling,

Whirling,

To songs of heartbreak, pain, and pleasure.

Winding,

Grinding,

Sliding,

To songs of past, forever and never…

She pressed her body onto mines and let me know that our hearts still had matching beats.

Hypnotizing rhythmic drumming keeping me oblivious to her taking over me.

The vibrations of her voice and laughter traveled through my veins,

And the image of her smile firmly planted itself deeply into my brain.

She snatched my heart out and...

Doom

Her phone…..

Makes a lot of noise while she’s asleep.

All the different songs and buzzes gently pound against the outermost layer of my Cerebral cortex.

Or,

maybe thats just me over thinking…..

I mean it’s really none of my business to be thinking at all.

Besides,

 if she’s here with me

physically,

why should I care about who’s on the other end of a phone call...

or text..

Let me lie back down 

and lie to myself,

About what this really is and how much it means to me.

She’s free

I’m free

So we can be

Whatever we want to be

 And if we choose to live this life differently 

Then we must accept living life separately 

Respectfully

I know

For us

There is no infinity or beyond for this temporary universe we've created,

One Love

race war and a global pandemic yet my identity crisis is at an all time high,

The world loves me and hates me both at the same d*mn time,

And I

don’t know who I want to be.

I mean

Scratch that

I should say I don’t know which me I’m allowed to be.

See,

When I’m in the driveway dribbling and shooting with the guys,

The whole neighborhood watches with love and adoration in their eyes,

But in that same neighborhood 

Those same neighbors show that taking a walk down the street can be unwise.

A Sunday stroll could end up earning me a Monday in jail.

No bail,

Just a delayed release....

Because 

they love and they hate me....

They Love to hate me,

Yet Hate to love the culture thats in me.

The culture that get shamed publicly,