Afraid

brown shooting again

Judgement in the morning

Makes me wanna.. (to the beat of J. Cole's BE FREE)

Makes me wanna cry

 Makes me wanna die

Man shot down hands lifted to the sky

Makes me wonder why

Bullets had to fly

Facts start surfacing and cover up the lie

Makes me wanna write

Makes me wanna run

Teary eyes staring down the barrel of a gun

CNN coverage of her burying a son

Burdens grow heavy like shes carrying a ton

Makes me wanna pray

Makes me wanna speak

Makes me wanna grab my kids and kiss them on cheeks

Hoping one day they don't encounter gunplay, get shot left laying in the middle of the street

Blood staind body that they cover with a sheet

I swear its all happening like every other week

Feels like a nghtmare, but I never went to sleep

Makes me wanna weep

Makes me wanna weep

loss

The grass is looking greener

Cause every other day it's harassment and subpoenas

And words we didn't meaner

You hurled 'em like a stinger

Disturbing my demeanor

So I don't know who to be

Can't see your own faults but can tell me mine to a T

I swear you left me hanging

Like I'm tied up to a tree

A true hate crime

The way you crossed relationship boundaries like the state line

Smiling in public knowing everything aint fine

Bittersweet...I swear I taste wine

Your esteem's low, so you feel a need to deflate mine

I wanna write..

I wanna leak the words that overflow from a heart that’s filled with adoration

Pages of praise inspired out of love

Instead I’ve grown tired out of love

No desire to write

Longing to feel the same feelings that used to inspire the light

Inside my heart—Shining on a woman who walks into my view and I admire the sight

So much so that I decided to write

About her beauty—I miss the way I’d pencil it in

Lusting after her curves, the way they convince me to sin

Needing feedback before I present it to her

So I enlisted a friend

And after reading it over and over I asked him to listen again….It all came back to bite me like I spit in the wind

Writing all of my observations

In my fist is the pen

I was clenching it, working it

With the most elaborate language

Leaving a white sheet scarred with my impressions

Tattooe...

Drink --> Writing

Waiting on the Lord to reveal His plan

I’m lost—going in circles like a ceiling fan

Bottom half of my hourglass is filled with sand

Out of time—am I dead? People around me dressed in all black like they’re Steelers fans

And the pain’s got a grip like a gorilla’s hands

Fighting tears to save face in front of little man

Pray to God but wondering if I need a middleman

Cause I don’t know if he will listen

To Him I owe a lot

Over-drafted my requests

And now when I beseech him

He’s laughing at the mess

That I developed on my own

Enough to drive a man to put the metal to his dome

The answers keep evading me—I’ll settle with Patron

’s creek is where I find myself—peddling alone (paddling)

I’m battling with myself—wrestling a clone

Investments that went wrong...

top of my head

Off  the top of my head, so sense it won't make

Gloves on my hand--fingerprints they won't take

Writing everything now, hope my pencil won't break

And if it comes to mind I'm gonna print it on pape---er :)

Thin line, so they say, between love and hate-----her

Tearing each other down we take-----turns

Make---burns 

From heated conversations

Depleted all my patience

Love is seemingly evasive

And sense can't be made from it

Gave my heart for nothing

The same--pain is redundant 

Elected to serve over my soul

Yet resigned while still incumbent

My days are hella dark, and I'm just wondering where the sun went

....But sense it don't make

Overpowering emotions that my senses can't take

Explosions of hurt

Disorganized expressions

"Don't think about it. Write it." 

Was given as directions

So I pen...

Afraid

Scared as hell

To face the people who said I’d fail

As a father

As a husband

As a man

I knew the ship was sinking all along but I was scared to bail

Now my options are looking as grim as choosing: Dead or Jail

And what do I tell my son,

When an explanation is requested?

When he’s laying with a woman he’s not married to

Should he try to commit to something his father could barely do

Baby mama drama, and I carry 2

Damn….I’m petrified, I can barely move

So much is at stake

And I shake in fear

Wishing that we would never have to take it here

Lawyers to write it up so we can make it clear

Litigation to split up everything we created here…

It’s all in fast-forward

It’s moving too damn slowly

I’m hurt…It’s that simple, man, I hate what this became

O...

Excuses

She should’ve never said that thing

She shouted when we fought

If he only listened to my side

Instead of stubborn disapproval

One minute we’re arguing about this—next thing, the past she suddenly allude to

In a rut we never move through

He’s never happy when he sees me

If only she knew how much I loved her—the other half that completes me

He’s so damn selfish

Why is she so needy?

Can’t he see everything I do to make this work?

I wish we could switch places and she could be me

She keeps threatening to leave me

But the door was never closed

He thinks his boo-boo smell like rose

Somebody should check his nose

Has she forgotten all the prose

I wrote to express my love to her

I’d give my flesh and blood to her

If only she’d admit

That this problem is on her, I ainâ...

Resentment

  I write to tell a story-to paint a portrait of myself

Reality is hard.

I keep from torturing myself..by language-art expression

Therapy’s too costly to shead the pain that I’m expressing

My brain’s filled with depression

With no place to release

In constant battle with a spouse who always force me to retreat

I daily swallow pride, but the portion that I eat

Only fills me with resentment

Down-time leads me to thoughts of a questionable commitment

On a quest I seek fulfillment,

Look to a day that will be different

I always feel alone, but beside me stands a person

And love was once a pleasure but it’s turning into burden

Hoping there’s a cure so that the problem will not worsen

Because the joy is slowly fading

I want the sun to shine on us with something that’s ablazing (madeupword! :)

The scriptures...

mosaic me

No matter how high I can reach there’s someone tugging on my coattail

It's emphaszied while we argue and we both yell

Trying to understand the other but we both fail

Always felt bad, but through it all I spoke well

Hardened edges but the inner me is oatmeal

Bag my emotions up distribute it like coke sell

Hoping one day that my legacy turns folktale

But even if it doesn’t I’d like to look back at it all and laugh it up and joke tell

Getting angrier than ever, I don’t cope well

Wrap my hands around the pain like a choke held

I mean a choke hold

In me a broke soul

Shattered into pieces, like the parts of a mosaic

Then quickly put together so my heart bears some abrasions