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Regardless
Of the many people who have hurt me who’ve asked for my forgiveness
I am not heartless!
Unlike my moral charges
Nor do I lose my spiritual ink like a toner cartridge
Although admittedly, I am a scarred kid
Circumstances in my life have marred this
And I recognize the divine legal system that could disbar this
If it weren’t for God in my life
I believe nothing would have been able to tame this
Speaking in a moment of lucid emotion of shameless, ness
I grew to distastefully dislike then grow to hate this
Society looked down upon me and would constantly defame this
I grew up feeling unloved and full of flaws, no, not blameless
I began to kill animals and start fights to humiliate people
And I did it without feeling shameless!
Not to be forced to name this
But the violence within had desired to be seen
My teenage years made me disenchanted and mean.
I disliked the thought of friendship or trust
I somehow merged and converged violence with sexual lust
Choking while poking while distastefully eloping
Internally growing confused while somehow still coping.
Religiosity became a stepping stone for my heart
But through my early adulthood
My heart and mind were still torn apart
I then grew into my late twenties and then lost the woman
Who at the time I felt was blameless and perfect
She loved me beyond a man’s definition of love
But I somehow still felt infinitely worthless
I would look into the mirror
And complain of what I saw as bodily imperfections
Afraid others would one day see my flaws
And possibly create moments of rejection
So I preferred isolation
And into my own world I would succumb
Growing intellectually unstable
I then became emotionally numb!
Then I tried to open up and grow into a super man of a sort
Disciplined my brain, to not, into violence just resort
Of course
Many times I fell off course
But knowing that I could maintain the thoughts or at least keep them at bay
Allowed me to evolve into a better being
And I no longer was unable to know what to say
I became much more sociable
And attained more friendships galore
But then my health struck me ill
And now I am poisoned at the core
Maybe it’s all my fault
All my years of holding in hatred and resentment
That now being thirty four years of age
I could never even feel true contentment
Too many sins accomplished
With too much consistent wrong doing
Afraid that any action or reaction
Will be misconstrued and will change the color of my hueing!
My perception of women
Were the very things that destroyed all my female relations
I grew to hate the female gender
And to speak to them, I had motivation but was full of hesitation
Felt the world around me
Was growing exponentially superficial
I could not relate to people anymore
I felt everyone was artificial.
My personality
Has once again desired to be isolated
Because trying to be a spiritually mundane man
Has yet to have me vindicated!
As obviously superfluously indicated
I am immensely aggravated
To know my time is shortened
Has caused me to be spontaneously frustrated.
Internally combustible whose flames go up endlessly!
I am unique in many capacities
Never following any trends, it’s less me
Sick and tired of feeling tired and sick
Quickly burning out like a wick
No more to be found a burnt stick
Takes the ashes of my eternity and lick.
For the ashes arise due to my torment and consistent crying
It hurts me to know at any time I may leave my daughter behind
Because I am slowly and yet quickly dieing.
No doctors understand what is happening
Nor do they understand the very quick progression
Some Christians tell me
God is just trying to teach me a hard learned lesson.
Whatever it may be
Doesn’t change my internal and at times exterior demeanor
I do pray to my lord and savior
And wish he could cleanse me with a spiritual soul cleaner
Although much more angry
And more meaner within
I guess I am poisoned with an unknown sickness
Because I have the most wicked heart full of sin!
Can’t seem to get it out of my head
To know I may one day wake up dead!
Not speaking what he said or she said
But to recognize the ties of lies
And not awaken to life being pale
Because the floor will be full of red.
Now that, is what I truly fear and dread!
But God has the ability to make it something else instead
Only time will tell, what is the ultimate thought
That the Great God Almighty, for me, has in His head.
SkTzO
