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I have come to conclude
That being a prude is equivalent to being nude
My heart and sinews have been torn
Since the day I was born
Insecurities manufactured genetically
Bio-chemically and environmentally
Systemically
Affected me in my growth intellectually
Spiritually perceived as a mere after thought
Never taking notice of what was taken or brought
Soul never been bought
Never been on the market to be sold
Vehemently angered by self imposing negativity
That has aged me years beyond old
Feeling like I’ve surpassed my threshold
Articulating distress, stress and the entirety of my life’s mess
In a methodical way that is bold
As I have grown old and seen the plan unfold
I know that within my vicinity you take pleasure to reside
So many tasted tears
The elevation of heightened fears
Cut by the triple edge bladed sheers
Of this life and of the life I have always desired
Wishing all my life that by hard work, tenacity and focus
I would reap the rewards of my efforts and at a young age retire
But instead
My body has turned against itself
Physiologically brought down and pinned
Possibly because of the few sins I have sinned
I somehow still fight to win
Knuckles ashy and flesh exposed
I run the race seeking for eventual repose
Nothing owned not even "my own" clothes
Many doors have NOT been opened cause most have remained closed
Despite my inner desire to live in the light
I have suffered an irreversible disease type plight
I fight rather than cry and take flight
For my internal sociology and psychology is immortal
For my eyes stay fixed on the prize
Which dwells in another realm stuck inside a 6 dimensional portal
My mind
My thoughts have been my source of peace and suicide
My brain is the world in which I create and destroy
I seek peace
Yet somehow create havoc
Seems like the balance I pray for
I may never get the opportunity to have it
In the darkness I try to stab it
My sanctuary is my place of rest
My place of rest is my torment
My torment never lies dormant
It is forever in labor
Enjoying and taking in the flavor
The flavor of my burning punishment
Iniquity lies within me
Satan is at my door
My heart has been trampled many a time on the floor
His demons have tried to creep silently into my core
His presence is all well too known
That he is now become a sadistic bore
I shall transpire and find him at the shore
The shore of my loneliness
The beach of his phoniness
The presence of my child’s homeliness
Even in the moments of my last breaths
I will seek for my savior’s holiness
My demise has already been found in my eyes
Predetermined by my cries
Cries that have fallen heavily from my face
To the face of the earth
Since the very moment of my birth
I have sought to find my place on this ball of water and dirt
Deep inside, I daily hurt
I to my own self sit and disperse a rare verse
As, to my several selves I sit and converse
Not having any time to rehearse
I am coercively seduced into a tiny hearse
Seductively
Proactively pushed into the car of death
Forced to hold my breath and not feel release for 34 years
Years of struggles with my self and my peers
Warring interior fights with no delight
At times so filled with fright
That I would lose my 'end prize' sight
Only see and feel the here and now
I sometimes wonder how
I somehow still remain on this earthly domain
This treacherous plane of pain
Bio-chemically maneuvering itself inside of my brain
Effecting my synaptic
Verses of the synoptic and optic nerve
I spiritually waver and swerve
Driving too close to the curb
My insight is my pain
My ability to discern prior to the burn
Is what I for no longer yearn
Pain has already taken its turn
I now ask and beg actually
Quite factually I cry, bleed, and plead
That God would intervene
Bless me with an end story that is glorious and serene
But that is not what the title GOD does mean
He does not answer prayers like a genie answers wishes
I am forced, to forever 'dirty and clean' my life’s dishes
Wipe them clean daily knowing I clean them in vain
For tomorrow will be yet another day of much sorrow and pain
All the sorrow
And all the persistent pain
Shall forever remain with me
For as long as my shell stuck in this cell
Dwells
In its own hell
Known as the telepathically highly communicative
Subordinate brain
The brain that is intertwined
With both the sane and insane
Creative yet mundane
Sincerity yet full of disdain
Painfully
I speak truthfully
Awakening my own arousal to potential gain
That is what God unifies and utilizes
To help me remain feeling sustained
He cleanses me daily wiping away my sinful stains
And I go on moving forward
TRYING to no longer complain
Flowers smell like feces
Because feces make the beauty grow
Just so you know
I plant seeds in my life struggles manure
Hoping to reap the reward of an eventual cure
Hoping and praying
That there will be a final step to the delaying
And that God will open up the windows of heaven
And let it rain such a bounty of treasure
Beyond my minds capacity to understand and/or measure
For the LOVE I believe He grants and offers
Is love shown to me by giving me the turbulent times of my mind
My safe haven also being my place of fear
He has cursed the blessing but blessed the curse
So that I would be a part taker
As to what would be written as my lifes next scriptural verse
For God, is so loving not only towards me but to all humanity
That He offers us the power to decide what shall come hither, or, go to and fro
The war within is the very struggle that keeps me sane
Nearly reaching the point of insanity
But He provides me with the ability
To be accountable for my liabilities
To also have emotional dexterity and agility
Blessed with creative versatility
Granting me brief moments of tranquility
Only if I continue to choose to use my creative worth
In a manner that has no futility
But is full of spiritual fruit and fertility
I have the power to give or take away life
By visual action or by written or even the spoken word
Physical action or in written form could disturb
Using power of grammar to curb
To spit out verbs to converse when I disperse any verse
Without the desire to religiously rehearse
Because then it feels so illegitimate and fake
And if that ever happens
I would pray the lord my soul to take
For as transparent as I am by my own choosing
Somehow in the race of life I continue my losing
Success in any capacity for me, continues to be refusing
My anger I'm always forced to be defusing
Although to myself I’m slightly confused
To the world I do not want to be confusing!
So I must now
Put an end to this letter of "Psalms of my mind"
I admit my sanctuary is my jail
And hunger for wisdom seems to be my crime!
I may or may not enter
Into the coming year as sane as little as I am at this moment
So I take refuge in Gods word and his blessings
Found in scripture and so I take it, grab it, and then hold it
Held in my heart for my soul to try to comprehend
I could at least die knowing God is not only my father
But He desires to also be my best friend!
SkTzO
