the mess I made

the mess I made

I'm not sure how I got here...or how things got this way...I thought I was on the right path...thought I was headed toward something promising...instead I'm here...and I don't even know where here is...and what's worse...is I don't even know who I am...the person in the mirror is no longer someone I know...they bear no resemblance to me...there's a light in their background, where there is only blackened darkness in mine...there is an innocent fear in their eyes...but mine hold vengeance...and since their weakness sickens me, thus shattering the mirror, I hold the broken glass like feathers in my hands...I feel the more I try to put my trust in someone...the more I lose of myself...the more cynical I become...it's like I don't need anyone...nor want anyone...and the more I think I do ...the more I try to open myself up to someone...the more I let my heart control what my mind knows better...the more damage I do to myself...I can literally feel my heart turning to stone...peo...

Unfair

I'm addicted.

Defined by the words that you've spoken to me.

I know I am much more than your view,

much more than the monster you see.

As much as I try to pull through and break away,

these chains have proven a weight more than I can carry.

I can beat my head against the wall,

be complimented for good,

yet it's YOUR words that stay with me.

It is too late for me to go back and undo what I"ve done,

and I refuse to let those actions keep me from moving forward,

but your words are haunted spirits that chaperone my every move.

"Actions speak louder than words"

That's what they say.

But why is it your words are the daggers pressed against my skin...

when your actions are the ones that left bruises?

Why must I let the way you view me hurt more than your hands on my body??

Actions speak louder than words,

your words convict me of a thousand deat...

Love N Pain

Love is a controlling, rather, a confusing sentiment. It is a storm of its own, a calming wind and an abrupt disaster. Does anyone ever get it right? I feel unraveled by a love that seems to have gotten the best of me. Did I not try hard enough; did I give up too easily? Was it meant to be, or doomed from the start? I know I meant well, but rarely do things go as I plan them. Through all its turmoil, its rollercoaster experience, I believe it was the deepest that I've ever felt. Though our love affair didn't last long in length there was that period of time where we refused to let the other go completely, I'm still stuck. I know the best situation, but there's that part of me that somehow believes I can fix this, it can be whole again. But I'm only lying to myself when I know that it will never again be what it once was. Why do we lie to ourselves and give ourselves false hope? Is it guilt for letting go, the first time? They say love hurts, but I believe the broken confuse love ...

Lost

I feel lost. I'm feeling frustrated. I feel like I am running but my movements are taking me nowhere. They say it's insanity to expect different results when you complete the same actions over...and over...and...over again. I feel insane. My future looks bleak. Even my binoculars only see a foot in front of me. Am I going nowhere? I feel complacent and confused. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...I barely know my own name. The world is moving along side me but I'm stationed here. I feel paralyzed...

Silence

I am, a spirit that's been broken a million times over, a broken key of a typewriter, with a story to tell but no words to speak, I feel my soul has been silenced, I'm lost in confusion, right feels wrong, wrong looks right, my compass is broken, my GPS speaks another language, afraid to speak up, because again...I have no words, And only few can understand the mute. 

The "In Between"

I feel like I'm in the "in between,"

Somewhere between "you're better off" and "it's meant to be,"

What i know is not healthy and best for me...

Has my heart aching wanting you here with me,

And moments I feel like I am bonded here,

Chains and cuffs to keep me to my fears,

A beating heart I can no longer hear,

A dying love only known by its tears.

I feel like I'm in some space unknown,

Far away from what I call home,

And it all feels so all alone,

So dark and lonely...like a cluttered tomb.

The Architect

I changed professions.

I did not attend any university,

but it was a gift given to me by nature.

I'm not sure when I realized this "talent"...

but I've fully embraced it.

I build walls.

An architect so to speak...

on an emotional level.

I take my pain and frustration...

and I add another brick.

Hiding from my feelings and emotions...

building higher and higher.

I call it protection,

but there's this downfall feeling to it all.

That lacking sense of contact.

That absence of intimacy.

Am I hurting myself instead?

When you no longer can tell the color of the sky...

have the walls been built too high?

When you no longer hear rambling voices,

and they are now just faint echoes,

am i too far to find?

I read all the instructions and studied every master plan,

these walls were built a strong structure.

My Letter to You...

 I wrote those words in my head,

I wanted to be gentle yet eloquent,

I knew exactly what to say,

Then I grabbed the pen...

I was flooded with memories,

And emotions,

Tears welled up...

Before that first word was even written.

How do you hold your composure,

Be strong...

And say everything...

That you so passionately want to say.

Please don't go!

Stay.

I love you.

I'll miss you.

I'm choking on emotions,

Forgetting my words,

Losing focus,

I'm exhausted.

How do you say "good-bye"...

When all you wanna do is say "hello".

God is a DJ

God is a DJ,

And I am a Top 40 hit.

I was created at the press of "play,"

screaming joyous melodies.

My heart is the beat pulsating life into this mix,

My emotions are the cords...

I can remind you of the most beautiful of occassions,

And your darkest of days.

My screams are the riffs...you feel hitting your heart,

My laughs are what inspire your feet to move.

There are times my mistakes have been on "repeat,"

And life feels like its on "fast forward."

I have been skipped over....stopped,

Forgotten...

My God is a DJ,

And I will be celebrated as a Classic.

My Abyss

I led you on. 

I led you to believe all that "I" thought I believed...

In myself.

I knew the person that I wanted to portray...

Though it was a hard realization coming to terms that I was not that person...

Nor was that person me.

I am but a person that has been hidden,

Chained and shielded by my own doing.

So private...I question if I even know me.

I have spent my life building walls and digging trenches,

To hold onto a secret that I don't even know,

About a person I'm not sure I've even met....

Me.

There are no bridges to reach me,

But unsettled waters that you must have the energy to swim should you wanna know me.

I can admit I haven't always been fair to you,

But nothing worth having ever came easy,

Don't misunderstand,

I'm not a total loss cause,

This is me...

I am this...

A private soul,

A secret...