Uncertainty

CATEGORY

life

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People call me selfish, arrogant, deranged,

I react badly to things, I need to change,

4 years later I've done as they've said,

Now I hear "you're boring now, why have you changed?"

I'm confused and desperate, lonely and helpless,

I've worked hard to be accepted and behave totally selfless,

Therapists screaming "you're words need to change, your behaviour is ineffective, you need to change!"

What if this is me? Why do I have to change?

"Are you happy like this?"

No!

"Well then you have to change"

So does this mean I have to accept fault for what made me this way?

Is it my fault my dad beat me? Cos of the words that I say?

Was it my fault I ran into more fists of a love when I ran away,

Is it my fault that my mother resents the fact that I am gay?

Is it my fault every mother ***er I come across throw words like bricks?

Say I'm a masculine abuser, fat and mentally sick?

Why cos I'm different? Provides carte Blanche of expression,

Push me to my limits and then mock my aggression,

I'm sorry if I come across like I'm sorry for myself,

I never used to be like this until I lost grip of my health,

PTSD and BPD mixed with limited mobility,

Creates an environment impossible to escape your involuntary insanity,

As a lover and a friend, now you wouldn't tell the difference,

I have really changed and built emotional resistance,

But at times like this when I'm scared and alone,

Have nobody by my side when under the knife I go,

Reliving the fact that I'm a ***ing reject,

I'm not responsible for myself, like this I neglect,

All I have ever known is that I am in fact worth nothing,

Not even foster parents would care and be forthcoming,

So when that's all I know, even though it's in doubt,

How do I get myself off this ***ing roundabout,

I just want someone to tell me it will all be ok,

I've never had it from anyone, now it's all that I crave,

Every battle I have fort I have indeed won,

At times my abilities have brightly shone,

I'm not needy and demanding, I don't have sanctions,

I'm free in my approach despite my suggestive actions,

I can do this independently like I always do,

I just wish I didn't have to be alone with everything I go do.

Maybe one day things will improve,

Until then I will hope to survive this big move!